Click an episode in our table to be taken below to the best Buffy quotes from that episode! (Or just peruse them all!)
Episode 1 – Welcome to the Hellmouth (1)
Episode 1 – When She Was Bad
Episode 1 – Anne
Episode 1 – The Freshman
Episode 1 – Buffy vs. Dracula
Episode 1 – Bargaining (1)
Episode 1 – Lessons
Giles: The influx of the undead, the… supernatural occurrences, it’s been building for years. There’s a reason why you’re here and a reason why it’s now!
Buffy: Because now is the time my mom moved here.
Giles: Something’s coming, something, something, something is – is gonna happen here. Soon!
Buffy: Gee, can you vague that up for me?
Willow: Well… when I’m with a boy I like, it’s hard for me to say anything cool, or, or witty. Or at all. I-I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away.
Buffy: It’s not that bad.
Willow: No, i-it is. I think boys are more interested in a girl who can talk.
Buffy: You really haven’t been dating lately.
Buffy: Okay, first of all, what’s with the outfit? Live in the now, okay? You look like DeBarge!
Buffy: Now, we can do this the hard way, or… well, actually there’s just the hard way.
Darla: That’s fine with me!
Buffy: Are you sure? Now, this is not gonna be pretty. We’re talking violence, strong language, adult content…
Giles: For as long as there have been vampires, there has been the Slayer. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One…
Buffy: He loves doing this part.
Giles: Alright. The Slayer hunts vampires, Buffy is a Slayer, don’t tell anyone. Well, I think that’s all the vampire information you need.
Giles: Well then help me in researching this Harvest affair. It seems to be some sort of preordained massacre. Rivers of blood, hell on Earth. Quite charmless. I’m a bit fuzzy, however, on the details. It may be that you can wrest some information from that dread machine. That was a bit, um, British, wasn’t it?
Buffy: Welcome to the New World.
Xander: This is just too much. I mean, yesterday my life’s like, ‘Uh-oh, pop quiz.’ Today it’s ‘Rain of Toads’.
Willow: I know. And everyone else thinks it’s just a normal day.
Xander: Nobody knows. It’s like we’ve got this big secret.
Willow: We do. That’s what a secret is, when you know something other guys don’t.
Giles: It may be that we are all that stands between the Earth and utter destruction.
Buffy: Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school.
Xander: Oh, yeah, that’s a plan. Cause lots of schools aren’t on Hellmouths.
Willow: Maybe you could blow something up. They’re really strict about that.
Buffy: I was thinking of a more subtle approach, ya know, like excessive not studying.
Giles: The Earth is doomed.
Giles: Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?
Willow: Maybe because they met her? Did I say that?
Xander: I laugh in the face of danger! Then I… hide until it goes away.
Joyce: Look what I found. It’s my yearbook from junior year. Oh, look! There I am.
Buffy: Mom, I’ve accepted that you’ve had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair.
Joyce: This is Gidget hair. Don’t they teach you anything in history?
Giles: This is madness. What could you have been thinking? You are the Slayer. Lives depend upon you. I make allowances for your youth, but I expect a certain amount of responsibility, instead of which you enslave yourself to this-this… cult.
Buffy: You don’t like the color?
Xander: It’s funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.
Giles: This computer invasion that Willow’s performing on the coroner’s office… One assumes it is entirely legal?
Buffy: Of course.
Giles: Right. Wasn’t here. Didn’t see it. Couldn’t have stopped you.
Cordelia: I’m just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side. You know? Like how even used Mercedes still have leather seats.
Never Kill a Boy on the First Date
Giles: Oh, Emily Dickinson.
Buffy: We’re both fans.
Giles: Yes, she’s quite a good poet. I mean for a…
Buffy: A girl?
Giles: For an American.
Willow: Buffy has a really important date.
Giles: All right, I-I’ll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.
Buffy: Okay, at this point you’re abusing sarcasm.
Buffy: If the apocalypse comes, beep me.
Xander: We just saw the zebras mating. Thank you, very exciting!
Willow: It was like the Heimlich… with stripes!
Willow: You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, “Hey, kids, where’s the cool parties this weekend?” We’ve been through this.
Giles: Xander’s taken to teasing the less fortunate?
Giles: And, there’s been a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor?
Giles: And, well, otherwise all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles.
Buffy: It’s bad, isn’t it?
Giles: It’s devastating. He’s turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Of course you’ll have to kill him.
Giles: Testosterone is a great equalizer – it turns all men into morons.
Willow: So he is a good vampire? I mean on a scale of one to ten. Ten being someone who’s killing and maiming every night, one being someone who’s… not.
Xander: I know you have feelings for this guy, but it’s not like you’re in love with him, right? You’re in love with a vampire?! What are you, outta your mind?
Xander: Not ‘vampire’ … How could you love an umpire? Everyone hates ’em!
Darla: I made him. There was a time when we shared everything, wasn’t there Angelus? You had a chance to come home, to rule with me in the Master’s court for a thousand years, but you threw that away because of her. You love someone who hates us. You’re sick. And you’ll always be sick. And you’ll always remember what it was like to watch her die.
I, Robot… You, Jane
Giles: I’m just going to stay and clean up a little. I’ll be back in the Middle Ages.
Jenny: Did you ever leave?
Jenny: You kids really dig the library, don’t you?
Buffy: We’re literary.
Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.
Xander: Are we over-reacting? He’s in a computer, what can he do?
Buffy: You mean besides convince a perfectly nice kid to try and kill me? I don’t know. How about mess up all the medical equipment in the world?
Giles: Randomize traffic signals.
Buffy: Access launch codes for our nuclear missiles.
Giles: Destroy the world’s economy.
Buffy: I think I pretty much capped it with that nuclear missile thing.
Giles: …Alright, yours was best.
Jenny: Honestly, what is it about them that bothers you so much?
Giles: The smell.
Jenny: Computers don’t smell, Rupert.
Giles: I know. Smell is the most powerful trigger to the memory there is. A certain flower, or a a whiff of smoke can bring up experiences long forgotten. Books smell musty and-and-and rich. The knowledge gained from a computer is a – it, uh, it has no no texture, no-no context. It’s-it’s there and then it’s gone. If it’s to last, then-then the getting of knowledge should be, uh, tangible, it should be, um, smelly.
The Puppet Show
Giles: He thought it would behoove me to have more contact with the students. I did try to explain that my vocational choice of librarian was a deliberate attempt to minimize said contact, but he would have none of it.
Sid: Let’s just say there was me, there was a really mean demon, there was a curse, and the next thing I know, I’m not me any more. I’m sitting on some guy’s knee, with his hand up my shirt.
Joyce: You want to go to school?
Buffy: Sure! Why not?
Joyce: Okay. Good day to buy that lottery ticket.
Xander: You were a lousy clown! Your balloon animals were pathetic! Everyone can make a giraffe!
Out of Mind, Out of Sight
Teacher: But has Shylock suffered? What’s his place in Venice society?
Willow: Well, everyone looked down on him.
Cordelia: That is such a twinkie defense. Shylock should get over himself. People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she’s trying to make it about her leg! Like my pain meant nothing.
Principal Snyder: There are no dead students here. This week.
Giles: Buffy told me you don’t feed from humans anymore.
Angel: Not for a long while.
Giles: Is that why you’re here? To see her?
Angel: I can’t. It’s, uh… It’s too hard for me to be around her.
Giles: A vampire in love with a Slayer. It’s rather poetic… in a maudlin sort of way.
Willow: ‘Have a nice summer’, ‘Have a nice summer’. This girl had no friends at all.
Giles: Once again I teeter at the precipice of the generational gap.
Buffy: ‘Have a nice summer’ is what you write when you have nothing to say.
Xander: It’s the kiss of death.
Cordelia: So, are you saying she’s invisible because she’s so unpopular?
Buffy: That about sums it up.
Cordelia: Bummer for her. It’s awful to feel that lonely.
Buffy: Hmm. So you’ve read something about the feeling?
Cordelia: Hey! You think I’m never lonely because I’m so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It’s not like any of them really know me. I don’t even know if they like me half the time. People just want to be in a popular zone. Sometimes when I talk, everyone’s so busy agreeing with me, they don’t hear a word I say.
Buffy: Well, if you feel so alone, then why do you work so hard at being popular?
Cordelia: Well, it beats being alone all by yourself.
Buffy: So that’s it, huh? I remember the drill. One slayer dies, the next one’s called. I wonder who she is. Will you train her? Or will they send someone else?
Giles: Buffy… I…
Buffy: Does it say how he’s gonna kill me? Do you think it’ll hurt? Don’t touch me! Were you even gonna tell me?
Giles: I was hoping I wouldn’t have to, that there was some way around it. I…
Buffy: I’ve got a way around it. I quit.
Angel: It’s not that simple.
Buffy: I’m making it that simple. I quit. I resign, I-I’m fired, you can find someone else to stop The Master from taking over.
Giles: I’m not sure that anyone else can. All the… the signs indicate…
Buffy: The signs?! Read me the signs! Tell me my fortune! You’re so useful sitting here with all of your books! You’re really a lot of help!
Giles: I don’t suppose I am.
Angel: I know this is hard.
Buffy: What do you know about this? You’re never gonna die.
Angel: You think I want anything to happen to you? You think I could stand it? We just gotta figure out a way…
Buffy: I already did. I quit, remember. Pay attention!
Giles: Buffy, if the Master rises…
Buffy: I don’t care! I don’t care. Giles, I’m sixteen years old. I don’t wanna die.
The Master: You’re dead.
Buffy: I may be dead, but I’m still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you.
The Master: You were destined to die! It was written!
Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.
When She Was Bad
Willow: She’s possessed!
Willow: That’s the only explanation that makes any sense. I mean, you should’ve seen her last night. That wasn’t Buffy.
Xander: Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? She’s possessed.
Giles: Possessed by what?
Willow: Aaaaa possessing thing!
Giles: Well, that narrows it down.
Xander: Well, you’re the expert. Hey, maybe when the Master killed her some… mystical bad guy transference thing happened.
Willow: That’s what it was! I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
Giles: Willow, I think we’re all a little too old to be spelling things out.
Xander: A bitcuh?
Some Assembly Required
Xander: Y’know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too.
Giles: Hear, hear.
Buffy: Sorry, but I’m an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.
Xander: So, both coffins are empty. That makes three girls signed up for the army of zombies.
Willow: Is it an army if you just have three?
Buffy: Zombie drill team then.
Angel: I taught you to always guard your perimeter. You should have someone out there.
Spike: I did. I’m surrounded by idiots. What’s new with you?
Spike: Yeah. Come up against this slayer yet?
Angel: She’s cute. Not too bright, though. Gave her the puppy dog “I’m all tortured” act. Keeps her off my back when I feed.
Spike: People still fall for that Anne Rice routine? What a world!
Xander: I knew you were lying. Undead liar guy.
Spike: From now on, we’re gonna have a little less ritual, and a little more fun around here!
Inca Mummy Girl
Giles: You have responsibilities that other girls do not.
Buffy: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah biddy blah, I’m so stuffy, give me a scone.
Giles: It’s as if you know me.
Devon: What does a girl have to do to impress you?
Oz: Well, it involves a feather boa and the theme to A Summer Place. I can’t discuss it here.
Devon: You’re too picky, man. Do you know how many girls you could have? You’re lead guitar, Oz. It’s currency!
Oz: I’m not picky. You’re just impressed by any pretty girl that can walk and talk.
Devon: She doesn’t have to talk.
Xander: Okay, I have something to tell you. And it’s kind of a secret, and it’s, um, a little bit scary. I like you. A lot. And I want you to go to with me the dance.
Ampata: Why was that so scary?
Xander: Well, because you never know if a girl’s gonna say ‘yes’, or if… she’s gonna laugh in your face and pull out your still beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel.
Ampata: Hmm. Then you are very courageous.
Xander: I just, present company excluded, I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world, ever.
Buffy: Ampata wasn’t evil. At least not to begin with, and… I-I do think she cared about you.
Xander: Yeah, but I think that whole sucking the life out of people thing would have been a strain on the relationship.
Buffy: She was gypped. She was just a girl, and she had her life taken away from her. I remember how I felt when I heard the prophecy that I was gonna die. I wasn’t exactly obsessed with doing the right thing.
Xander: Yeah, but you did. You gave up your life.
Buffy: I had you to bring me back.
Angel: I knew this was gonna happen.
Buffy: What? What do you think is happening?
Angel: You’re 16 years old, I’m 241.
Buffy: I’ve done the math.
Angel: You don’t know what you’re doing. You don’t know what you want.
Buffy: Oh, no, I, I think I do. I want out of this conversation.
Angel: Listen, if we date, you and I both know one thing’s going to lead to another.
Buffy: One thing already has led to another. You think it’s a little late to be reading me a warning label?
Angel: I’m just trying to protect you. This could get out of control.
Buffy: Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be?
Angel: This isn’t some fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don’t wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after.
Buffy: No. When you kiss me I want to die.
Buffy: Well, say it.
Xander: I’m not gonna say it.
Willow: You lied to Giles.
Xander: ‘Cause she will.
Buffy: I wasn’t lying. I was just… protecting him from information that he wouldn’t be able to… digest properly.
Xander: Like a corn dog.
Willow: Like you don’t have a sick mother, but you’d rather go to a frat party where there’s gonna be drinking and older guys and probably an orgy.
Xander: Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren’t I on the mailing list?
Buffy: There’s no orgies!
Buffy: Angel barely says two words to me.
Giles: She lied to me?
Angel: Did… she have a date?
Willow: Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off! And you never let her do anything except work and patrol! And I know she’s the Chosen One, but you’re killing her with the pressure! I mean, she’s sixteen going on forty! And you! I mean, you’re gonna live forever! You don’t have time for a cup of coffee? Okay, I don’t feel better now, and we’ve got to help Buffy.
Buffy: I told one lie, I had one drink.
Giles: Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words “let that be a lesson” are a tad redundant at this juncture.
Buffy: Angel’s a vampire, I thought you knew.
Cordelia: Oh, he’s a vampire! Of course! But the cuddly kind, like a Care Bear with fangs.
Willow: It’s true.
Cordelia: You know what I think? I just think you’re trying to scare me off ’cause you’re afraid of the competition. Look, Buffy, you may be hot stuff when it comes to demonology or whatever, but when it comes to dating, I’m the Slayer.
Lie to Me
Cordelia: I just don’t see why everyone’s always picking on Marie-Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don’t appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed …
Xander: I think you mean oppressed.
Cordelia: Whatever. They were cranky. So they’re like, “Let’s lose some heads.” Uh! That’s fair. And Marie-Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake!
Angel: He left no paper trail. That’s incriminating enough.
Xander: I’m going to have to go with Deadboy on this one.
Angel: Could ya not call me that?
Angel: Do you love me?
Angel: Do you?
Buffy: I love you. I don’t know if I trust you.
Angel: Maybe you shouldn’t do either.
Buffy: Maybe I’m the one who should decide!
Angel: I did a lot of unconscionable things when I became a vampire. Drusilla was the worst. She was … an obsession of mine. She was pure, and sweet, and chaste.
Buffy: And you made her a vampire.
Angel: First I made her insane. Killed everybody she loved. Visited every mental torture on her I could devise. She eventually fled to a convent, and on the day she took her holy orders, I turned her into a demon.
Buffy: Well. I asked for the truth.
Giles: I believe that’s called growing up.
Buffy: Then I’d like to stop, okay?
Giles: I know the feeling.
Buffy: Does it ever get easy?
Giles: You mean life?
Buffy: Yeah. Does it get easy?
Giles: What do you want me to say?
Buffy: Lie to me.
Giles: Yes, it’s terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after.
The Dark Age
Xander: Giles lived for school. He’s actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades.
Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, “There should be more math. This could be mathier.”
Giles: Um, a medical transport is delivering the monthly supply of blood to the hospital.
Buffy: Mm. Vampire Meals-On-Wheels.
Ethan Rayne: Well we can’t run. Eigon will find us. This mark’s like a homing beacon.
Buffy: It’s okay. I’m not much into running.
Ethan Rayne: Aren’t we manly?
Buffy: One of us is.
Ethan Rayne: If you think of it karmically this is, this is really big for your soul. You know, taking my place with the demon. Giving, so that others may live.
Buffy: I’m gonna kill you. Will that blow the whole karma thing?
Buffy: I’m not gonna lie to you. It was scary. I’m so used to you being a grownup, and then I find out that you’re a person.
Giles: Most grownups are.
What’s My Line (1)
Xander: What, and suck all the spontaneity out of being young and stupid? I’d rather live in the dark.
Willow: You’re not gonna be young forever.
Xander: Yes, but I’ll always be stupid. Let’s not all rush to disagree.
Xander: That’s what a lot of the guys say, but it’s just locker room talk. I wouldn’t pay it any mind.
Cordelia: Oh, great, so now I’m your taxi and your punching bag.
Xander: I like to think of you more as my witless foil, but have it your way.
What’s My Line (2)
Kendra: And those two, they also know you are the Slayer?
Kendra: Did anyone explain to you what “secret identity” means?
Buffy: Nope. Must be in the handbook. Right after the chapter on personality removal.
Oz: Oh, hey, animal cracker?
Willow: No, thank you. How’s your arm?
Oz: Suddenly painless.
Willow: You can still play guitar okay?
Oz: Not well, but not worse.
Willow: You know, I never really thanked you.
Oz: Please don’t. I don’t do thanks. I get all red and I have to bail. It’s not pretty.
Willow: Well then forget-that thing. Especially the part where I kind of owe you my life.
Oz: Look. Monkey. And he has a little hat. And little pants.
Willow: Yeah. I see.
Oz: The monkey is the only cookie animal that gets to wear clothes, you know that… You have the sweetest smile I’ve ever seen… So I’m wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sort of ripped? Like, is the hippo going, “hey man, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity.” And you know the monkey’s just, “I mock you with my monkey pants,” then there’s a big coup at the zoo…
Willow: The monkey’s French?
Oz: All monkeys are French. You didn’t know that?
Buffy: Vampires are creeps.
Giles: Yes, that’s why one slays them.
Buffy: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas, and everyone’s like, “I like your mini pizzas”, but I’m telling you, I am—
Giles: Uh, Buffy! I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh… text.
Buffy: Oh, Will, you’re supposed to use your powers for good!
Willow: I just wanna learn stuff.
Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer?
Xander: Uh, it’s so hard to rent one nowadays.
Joyce: It’s an outfit. An outfit that you may never buy.
Buffy: But I looked good in it.
Joyce: You looked like a streetwalker.
Buffy: But a thin streetwalker. That’s probably not gonna be the winning argument, is it?
Joyce: You’re just too young to wear that.
Buffy: Yeah, and I’m gonna be too young to wear it until I’m too old to wear it.
Joyce: That’s the idea.
Buffy: Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?
Xander: I think the word you’re searching for is absent.
Willow: Tardy people show. And yes, he did notice, so he wanted me to give you this.
Buffy: As far as punishments go, this is fairly abstract.
Willow: No, it’s your baby!
Buffy: Okay, I get it even less.
Xander: You know it’s the whole sex leads to responsibility thing, which I personally don’t get. You gotta take care of the egg, it’s a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.
Willow: My egg is Jewish.
Xander: Then teach it that dreidel song.
Xander: Which is another secret to conscientious egg care. A pot of scalding water and about eight minutes.
Willow: You boiled your young?
Giles: I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.
Xander: I resent that! Or possibly thank you.
Giles: A little of both might be appropriate.
Angel: Still, not every dream you have comes true. I mean, what else did you dream last night? Can you remember?
Buffy: I dreamt … I dreamt that Giles and I opened an office supply warehouse in Vegas.
Angel: You see my point?
Willow: Oh, I don’t know, though. He is a senior.
Buffy: You think he’s too old ’cause he’s a senior? Please. My boyfriend had a bicentennial.
Buffy: You can’t spend the rest of your life waiting for Xander to wake up and smell the hottie. Make a move. Do the talking thing.
Willow: Well, what if the talking thing becomes the awkward-silence thing?
Willow: Are you okay?
Oz: Yeah. Hey, did everybody see that guy just turn to dust?
Willow: Ohhh, well … sort of.
Xander: Yep. Vampires are real, a lot of ’em live in Sunnydale, Willow will fill you in.
Willow: I know it’s hard to accept at first.
Oz: Actually, it explains a lot.
Spike: No more of this ‘I’ve got a soul’ crap?
Angelus: What can I say, hmm? I was going through a phase.
Spike: You’ve really got a yen to hurt this girl, haven’t you?
Angelus: She made me feel like a human being. That’s not the kind of thing you just forgive.
Angelus: What? I took off.
Buffy: But you didn’t say anything. You just left.
Angelus: Yeah. Like I really wanted to stick around after that.
Angelus: You got a lot to learn about men, kiddo. Although I guess you proved that last night.
Buffy: What are you saying?
Angelus: Let’s not make an issue out of it, okay? In fact, let’s not talk about it at all. It happened.
Buffy: I, I don’t understand. Was it m-me? Was I not good?
Angelus: You were great. Really. I thought you were a pro.
Giles: It’s not over. I suppose you know that. He’ll come after you, particularly. His profile … he’s likely to strike out at the things that made him the most human.
Buffy: You must be so disappointed in me.
Giles: No. No no, I’m not.
Buffy: This is all my fault.
Giles: I don’t believe it is. Do you want me to wag my finger at you and tell you that you acted rashly? You did. And I can. I know that you loved him. And, he … he’s proven more than once that he loved you. You couldn’t have known what would happen. The coming months are, are going to be hard, I suspect on all of us. But if it’s guilt you’re looking for, Buffy, I’m not your man. All you will get from me is my support. And my respect.
Giles: Quite. And it, uh, acts on-on pure instinct. No conscience, uh, uh, predatory and-and aggressive.
Buffy: In other words, your typical male.
Xander: On behalf of my gender, hey!
Giles: Yes, let’s not jump to any conclusions.
Buffy: I didn’t jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were.
Buffy: Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like, they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want.
Oz: You mean… you’d still…
Willow: Well, I like you. You’re nice, and you’re funny, and you don’t smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that’s not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month, I’m not much fun to be around either.
Oz: You are quite the human.
Willow: So I’d still, if you’d still.
Oz: I’d still. I’d very still!
Willow: Okay. No biting, though.
Oz: Huh. A werewolf in love.
Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered
Willow: Don’t be so jumpy… I’ve been in your bed before.
Xander: Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas.
Cordelia: Harmony, shut up. [Xander looks back] Do you know what you are, Harmony? You’re a sheep.
Harmony: I’m not a sheep.
Cordelia: You’re a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval, when I’m way cooler than you are ’cause I’m not a sheep. I do what I wanna do, and I wear what I wanna wear. And you know what? I’ll date whoever the hell I wanna date. No matter how lame he is.
Angelus: Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping…waiting…and though unwanted…unbidden…it will stir…open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us…guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. the joy of love…the clarity of hatred…and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we’d know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we’d truly be dead.
Xander: I’m sorry, but let’s not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the bandwagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying “I told you so” long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the … fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say, “Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!”
Buffy: Yeah. There’s just one problem with Giles in a revenge scenario. It’ll get him killed.
Killed by Death
Willow: It’s my way of saying get well soon.
Buffy: You know, chocolate says that even better.
Willow: I did all your assignments. All you have to do is sign your name.
Buffy: Chocolate means nothing to me.
Giles: Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact?
Cordelia: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I’ll pass.
Willow: I’m good at medical stuff, since Xander and I used to play doctor all the time.
Xander: No, she’s being literal. She used to have all these medical volumes, and diagnosed me with stuff. I didn’t have the heart to tell her she was playing it wrong.
Willow: Wrong? Why? How did you play doctor?
Buffy: I… never have.
Xander: You don’t know how to kill this thing.
Buffy: I thought I might try violence.
Xander: Solid call.
I Only Have Eyes for You
Giles: I appreciate your thoughts on the matter, in fact I encourage you to always challenge me when you feel it’s appropriate; you should never be cowed by authority. Except, of course, in this instance, when I am clearly right and you are clearly wrong.
Giles: He’s-he’s trying to… resolve whatever issues are keeping him in limbo. What exactly those are, I’m not…
Buffy: He wants forgiveness.
Giles: Yes. I imagine he does. But when James possesses people, they act out exactly what happened that night. So he’s experiencing a form of purgatory instead. I mean, he’s doomed to kill his Ms. Newman over and over and over again, and… Forgiveness is impossible.
Buffy: Good. He doesn’t deserve it.
Giles: To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It’s not done because people deserve it, it’s done because they need it.
Buffy: No. James destroyed the one person he loved the most in a moment of blind passion. And that’s not something you forgive. No matter why he did what he did. And no matter if he knows now that it was wrong and selfish and stupid, it is just something he’s gonna have to live with.
Xander: He can’t live with it, Buff. He’s dead.
Buffy: So, something ripped him open and ate out his insides?
Willow: Like an Oreo cookie, well, except for, you know, without the… chocolatey cookie goodness.
Willow: So we’re looking for a beastie.
Giles: That, uh, eats humans whole, except for the skin.
Buffy: This doesn’t make any sense.
Xander: Yeah, the skin’s the best part.
Buffy: Any demons with high cholesterol? [Giles looks at her] You’re gonna think about that later, mister, and you’re gonna laugh!
Principal Snyder: Are we having a chair shortage?
Willow: I didn’t read anything about… oh, I get it.
Principal Snyder: These public displays of affection are not acceptable in my school. This isn’t an orgy, people. It’s a classroom.
Buffy: Yeah, where they teach lunch.
Principal Snyder: Just give me a reason to kick you out, Summers. Just give me a reason.
Cordelia: How about ’cause you’re a tiny impotent Nazi with a bug up his butt the size of an emu?
Buffy: Sums it up.
Cordelia: Don’t you think?
Giles: I’ve been on the phone with the museum, the artifact in question is missing and the curator has been murdered — vampires.
Buffy: And you’re sure this is the tomb of alfalfa.
Giles: Acathla, and yes the information provided by Kendra’s Watcher seems conclusive.
Willow: Okay somebody explain the whole he will suck the world into hell thing because that’s the part I’m not loving.
Giles: Well the demon universe exists in a dimension separate from our own, and one breath of Acathla will create a vortex a kind of whirlpool that will pull everything on earth into that dimension where any non-demon life will suffer horrible and eternal torment.
Buffy: So that would be the literal kind of sucked into hell. Neat. Willow I think you should try the curse.
Kendra: I tend to stand with your friend Xander on this one. Angel should be eliminated.
Buffy: Oh I’ll fight him. I’ll kill him if I have to, but if I Don’t get there in time or I lose then Willow might be our only hope.
Willow: But I don’t want to be our only hope, I crumble under pressure, lets have another hope.
Kendra: We have. Blessed by the knight who first slew the demon if all else fails this might stop it. I think.
Giles: Oh ooh may I. Thank you. Well its only if all else fails. Uh uh-mm how close are you to figuring out the ritual to the curse?
Willow: Oh I need about a day, and an Orb of Thessulah, whatever that is.
Giles: Spirit vault for the undead, I’ve got one. I’ve been using it as a paperweight.
Willow: This means I can’t help you study for tomorrow’s final.
Buffy: Oh, I’ll wing it. Of course, if we go to Hell by then, I won’t have to take ’em… Or maybe I’ll be taking them forever.
Whistler: Bottom line is, even if you see them coming, you’re not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can’t help that. It’s what you do afterwards that count. That’s when you find out who you are.
Spike: I want to save the world.
Buffy: You do remember that you’re a vampire, right?
Spike: We like to talk big. Vampires do. “I’m going to destroy the world.” That’s just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You’ve got… dog racing, Manchester United. And you’ve got people, billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It’s all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision, with a real… passion for destruction. Angel could pull it off. Goodbye, Piccadilly. Farewell, Leicester bloody Square. You know what I’m saying?
Buffy: Open your eyes, Mom. What do you think has been going on for the past two years? The fights, the weird occurrences. How many times have you washed blood out of my clothing, and you still haven’t figured it out?
Joyce: Well, it stops now!
Buffy: No, it doesn’t stop. It never stops. Do-do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is? How dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or, god, even studying! But I have to save the world. Again.
Angelus: No weapons, no friends, no hope. Take all that away, and what’s left?
Willow: That’s right, big boy. Come and get it.
Xander: First of all, what was with the acrobatics? How did that happen?
Oz: Wasn’t Andy Hoelich on the gymnastics team?
Xander: That’s right, he was! Cheater! Okay, and the, uh, second problem I’m having — “Come and get it, Big Boy”?
Willow: Well, w-w-well, the Slayer always says a pun, or-or a witty play on words, and, I think it throws the vampires off! And, and it makes them frightened, because I’m wisecracking. Okay, I didn’t really have a chance to work on that one, but you try it every time!
Oz: Uh, if I may suggest, “This time it’s personal.” I mean, there’s a reason why it’s a classic.
Giles: I mean, I appreciate your efforts to keep the vampire population down until Buffy returns, but if anything should happen to you, or you… should be killed, I should take it somewhat amiss.
Willow: You’d be cranky?
Willow: Well, we try not to get killed. That’s part of our whole mission statement: “Don’t get killed.”
Dead Man’s Party
Buffy: I’d like to find Willow and Xander.
Joyce: Will you be slaying?
Buffy: Only if they give me lip.
Cordelia: Nice pet, Giles. Don’t you like anything regular? Golf, USA Today, or anything?
Giles: We’re trying to find out how and why it rose from the grave. It’s not as if I want to take it home and offer it a saucer of warm milk.
Oz: Well, I like it. I think you should call it Patches.
Oz: We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a-a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny?
Cordelia: What’s the difference?
Oz: Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it’s chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny.
Buffy: Fine, okay, I can take my lumps. For awhile.
Willow: All right, I’ll stop giving you a hard time. Runaway.
Willow: I’m sorry … quitter.
Willow: Bad seed.
Faith, Hope & Trick
Faith: The whole summer it was, like, the worst heatwave. So, it’s about 118 degrees and I’m sleepin’ without a stitch on, and all of a sudden I hear this screamin’ from outside. So I go tearin’ out stark nude and this church bus is broke down and there’s three vamps feasting on half the Baptists in South Boston. So I waste the vamps and the preacher comes up and he’s hugging me like there’s no tomorrow when all of a sudden the cops pull up and they arrested us both.
Xander: Wow. They should film that story and show it every Christmas.
Buffy: Angel was cured.
Giles: I’m sorry?
Buffy: When I killed him, Angel was cured. Your spell worked at the last minute, Will. I was about to take him out, and, um, something went through him, and he was Angel again. He-he didn’t remember anything that he’d done. He just held me. Um, but i-it was, it was too late, and I, I had to. So I-I told him that I loved him, I kissed him, and I killed him.
Beauty and the Beasts
Buffy: Couldn’t sleep, huh?
Willow: I’ve been at Mister Donut since the TV did that snowy thing. How come you’re the Wakey Girl? I mean, this time, it’s not your boyfriend who’s the cold-blooded… Jelly doughnut?
Giles: Our task now is to determine what sort of killer we are dealing with. Quite clearly, we’re looking for a depraved, sadistic animal.
Oz: Present. Hey, I may be a cold-blooded jelly doughnut, but my timing is impeccable.
Xander: Buffy and Faith are in the library getting all sweaty.
Cordelia: They’re training.
Xander: I stand by my phrase.
Xander: Okay, let’s not say something we’ll all regret later, okay?
Cordelia: Crazy freak!
Buffy: Vapid whore!
Xander: Like that.
Cordelia: I don’t even get why you care about Homecoming when you’re doing stuff like this.
Buffy: Because this is all I do. This is what my life is. You couldn’t understand. I just thought … Homecoming Queen. I could pick up a yearbook someday and say, I was there. I went to high school, I had friends, and, for one moment, I got to live in the world. And there’d be proof, proof that I was chosen for something other than this. Besides, I look cute in a tiara.
Buffy: Something’s definitely changing them.
Willow: A spell?
Oz: They’re teenagers. It’s a sobering mirror to look into, huh?
Xander: I don’t get this. The candy’s supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I’ve had a ton and I don’t feel any diff- never mind.
Buffy: It was just too much to deal with. It was like nothing made sense anymore. The things that I thought I understood were gone. I just felt… so alone.
Giles: Was that the math or the verbal?
Buffy: Mostly the math.
Cordelia: What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?
Buffy: It was an accident.
Xander: What, you just tripped and fell on his lips?
Giles: Be quiet. I won’t remind you that the fate of the world often lies with the Slayer. What would be the point? Nor shall I remind you that you’ve jeopardized the lives of all that you hold dear by harboring a known murderer. But sadly, I must remind you that Angel tortured me… for hours… for pleasure. You should have told me he was alive. You didn’t. You have no respect for me, or the job I perform.
Willow: I’m pathetic, illiterate. I’m Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel.
Xander: That’s right, and the fact that your 740 verbal closely resembles my combined score in no way compromises your position as the village idiot.
Joyce: That’s not it. It’s just… You belong at-at a good old-fashioned college with keg parties and boys, not here with Hellmouths and vampires.
Buffy: Not really seeing the distinction.
Spike: She wouldn’t even kill me. She just left. She didn’t even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared? It was that truce with Buffy that did it. Dru said I’d gone soft. Wasn’t demon enough for the likes of her. And I told her it didn’t mean anything, I was thinking of her the whole time, but she didn’t care. So, we got to Brazil, and she was… she was just different. I gave her everything: beautiful jewels, beautiful dresses with beautiful girls in them, but nothing made her happy. And she would fliiirt! I caught her on a park bench, making out with a Chaos demon! Have you ever seen a Chaos demon? They’re all slime and antlers. They’re disgusting… She only did it to hurt me. So I said, “I’m not putting up with this anymore.” And she said, “Fine!” And I said, “Yeah, I’ve got an unlife, you know!” And then she said… she said we could still be friends. God, I’m so unhappy!
Willow: There, there.
Spike: The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you’re back to making googly-eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave.
Buffy: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Spike: Oh, yeah, you’re just friends.
Angel: That’s right.
Spike: You’re not friends. You’ll never be friends. You’ll be in love ’til it kills you both. You’ll fight, and you’ll shag, and you’ll hate each other ’til it makes you quiver, but you’ll never be friends. Love isn’t brains, children, it’s blood — blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love’s bitch, but at least I’m man enough to admit it.
Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.
Xander: Mine is much more advanced.
Vamp Willow: Hmm, Buffy. Oooh. Scary.
Vamp Xander: Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody’s hearts.
Xander: So, you doing anything special?
Buffy: Tree, nog, roast beast. Just me and Mom, and hopefully an excess of gifts. What are you doing for Christmas?
Willow: Being Jewish. Remember, people? Not everyone worships Santa.
The First: I’m not a demon, little girl, I am something you cannot even conceive. The First Evil. Beyond sin. Beyond death. I am the thing the darkness fears. You’ll never see me, but I am everywhere. Every being. Every thought. Every drop of hate.
Buffy: All right, I get it. You’re evil. Do we have to chat about it all day?
The First: Angel will be dead by sunrise. Your Christmas will be his wake.
The First: You have no idea what you’re dealing with.
Buffy: Let me guess. Is it… evil?
Angel: I can’t do it again Buffy. I can’t become a killer.
Buffy: Then fight it.
Angel: It’s too hard.
Buffy: Angel please, you have to get inside!
Angel: It told me to kill you. You were in the dream, you know. It told me to lose my soul in you and become a monster again.
Buffy: I know what it told you, what does it matter?
Angel: Because I wanted to! Because I want you so badly! I want to take comfort in you. And I know it will cost me my soul, and a part of me doesn’t care. I’m weak. It’s not the demon that needs killing in me, Buffy. It’s the man. Am I a thing worth saving, huh? Am I a righteous man? The world wants me gone!
Buffy: What about me? I love you so much, and I tried to make you go away. I killed you and it didn’t help. And I hate it! I hate that it’s so hard… and that you can hurt me so much. I know everything that you did, because you did it to me. Oh, God! I wish that I wished you dead. I don’t. I can’t.
Angel: Buffy, please. Just this once, let me be strong.
Buffy: Strong is fighting! It’s hard, and it’s painful, and it’s every day. It’s what we have to do. And we can do it together. But if you’re too much of a coward for that, then burn. If I can’t convince you that you belong in this world, then I don’t know what can. But do not expect me to watch. And don’t expect me to mourn for you, because…
Buffy: Hey. How are you?
Angel: I’m all right. I think I’m better than you right now. I heard about this. People are talking. People are even talking to me.
Buffy: It’s strange. People die in Sunnydale all the time. I’ve never seen anything like this.
Angel: They were children. Innocent. It makes a difference.
Buffy: And Mr. Sanderson from the bank had it coming? My mom said some things to me about being the Slayer. That it’s fruitless. No fruit for Buffy.
Angel: She’s wrong.
Buffy: Is she? Is Sunnydale any better than when I first came here? Okay, so I battle evil. But I don’t really win. The bad just keeps coming back… and getting stronger. Like the kid in the story, the boy that stuck his finger in the duck.
Angel: Dike. It’s another word for dam.
Buffy: Oh. Okay, that story makes a lot more sense now.
Angel: Buffy, you know there’s still things I’m trying to figure out. There’s a lot I don’t understand. But I do know it’s important to keep fighting. I learned that from you.
Buffy: But we never…
Angel: We never win.
Buffy: Not completely.
Angel: Never will. That’s not why we fight. We do it because there’s things worth fighting for.
Giles: Uh, wait, wait a minute. Uh… Uh, there is a fringe theory held by a few folklorists that some regional stories have actual, um, very literal antecedents.
Buffy: And in some language that’s English?
Oz: Fairy tales are real?
Buffy: Hans and Gre… Hansel and Gretel?
Xander: Wait. Hansel and Gretel? Breadcrumbs, ovens, gingerbread house?
Giles: Of course! Well, it makes sense now.
Buffy: Yeah, it’s all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place.
Giles: Some demons thrive by fostering hatred and, and, uh, persecution amongst the mortal animals. Not by, not by destroying men, but by watching men destroy each other. Now, they feed us our darkest fear and turn peaceful communities into vigilantes.
Buffy: Hansel and Gretel run home to tell everyone about the mean old witch.
Giles: And then she and probably dozens of others are persecuted by a righteous mob. It’s happened all throughout history. It happened in Salem, not surprisingly.
Xander: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m still spinning on this whole fairy tales are real thing.
Oz: So what do we do?
Xander: I don’t know about you, but I’m gonna go trade my cow in for some beans… No one else is seeing the funny here.
Buffy: Before I was the Slayer I was … Well, I- I don’t wanna say shallow, but let’s say a certain person, who will remain nameless, we’ll just call her “Spordelia,” looked like a classical philosopher next to me. Angel, if I’m not the slayer, what do I do? What do I have to offer? Why would you like me?
Angel: I saw you before you became the slayer.
Angel: I watched you, I saw you called, it was a bright afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the steps and … I loved you.
Angel: Because I could see your heart. You held it before you for everyone to see, and I was worried that it would get bruised or torn. And more than anything in my life, I wanted to keep it safe. To warm it with my own.
Buffy: That’s beautiful … Or, taken literally, incredibly gross.
Angel: I was just thinking that too.
Xander: Hello, nasty. Less than two minutes. Dumb guy. Little bomb. How hard can it be?
Jack: And it just got harder.
Xander: I’m not leaving ’til that thing’s disarmed.
Jack: Then I guess you’re not leaving. I’m gonna carve you up and serve you with gravy. You piss me off, boy. Now you pay the price. First the eyes, then the tongue. I’m gonna break every one of your fingers.
Xander: You gonna do all that in forty-nine seconds?
Xander: I know what you’re thinking. Can I get by him? Get up the stairs, out of the building, seconds ticking away. I don’t love your chances.
Jack: Then you’ll die, too.
Xander: Yeah, looks like. So I guess the question really is: Who has less fear?
Jack: I’m not afraid to die. I’m already dead.
Xander: Yeah, but this is different. Being blown up isn’t walking-around-and-drinking-with-your-buddies dead. It’s little-pieces-being-swept-up-by-a-janitor dead, and I don’t think you’re ready for that.
Jack: Are you?
Xander: I like the quiet.
Buffy: New Watcher?
Giles: New Watcher.
Wesley: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, it’s very nice to meet you.
Buffy: Is he evil?
Buffy: The last one was evil.
Wesley: Oh yes, Gwendolyn Post, we all heard. No, Mr. Giles has checked my credentials … rather thoroughly, phoned the Council. But I’m glad to see you’re on the ball as well. A good Slayer is a cautious Slayer
Buffy: Is he evil?
Giles: Not in the strictest sense.
Wesley: Ah, this is perhaps Faith.
Faith: New Watcher?
Buffy, Giles: New Watcher.
Faith: Screw that.
Buffy: Now why didn’t I just say that?
Wesley: Buffy, you will go to the Gleaves family crypt tonight and fetch the amulet.
Buffy: I will?
Wesley: Are you not used to being given orders?
Buffy: Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says ‘please’. And afterwards I get a cookie!
Wesley: Now hold on, we can deal with this rationally. We have something you want, you have something we want…
Balthazar: A trade, intriguing… No, wait, boring. Pull off his kneecaps!
Buffy: Faith, you can shut off all the emotions that you want. But eventually, they’re gonna find a body
Faith: Okay, this is the last time we’re gonna have this conversation, and we’re not even having it now, you understand me? There is no body. I took it, weighted it, and dumped it. The body doesn’t exist.
Buffy: Getting rid of the evidence doesn’t make the problem go away.
Faith: It does for me.
Buffy: Faith, you don’t get it – you killed a man.
Faith: No, you don’t get it – I don’t care!
Wesley: My. She’s cheeky, isn’t she?
Faith: Uh, first word: jail; second word: bait.
Faith: I missed the mark last night and I’m sorry about the guy, I really am! But it happens! Anyways, how many people do you think we’ve saved by now? Thousands? And didn’t you stop the world from ending? Because in my book, that puts you and me in the plus column.
Buffy: We help people! It doesn’t mean we can do whatever we want.
Faith: Why not? The guy I offed was no Gandhi. I mean, we just saw he was mixed up in dirty dealings
Buffy: Maybe, but what if he was coming to us for help?
Faith: What if he was? You’re still not seeing the big picture, B. Something made us different. We’re warriors. We’re built to kill.
Buffy: To kill demons! But it does not mean that we get to pass judgment on people like we’re better than everybody else!
Faith: We are better!
Angel: You can’t imagine the price for true evil.
Faith: Yeah? I hope evil takes MasterCard.
Faith: You sent your boy to kill me.
Mayor Wilkins: That’s right, I did.
Faith: He’s dust.
Mayor Wilkins: I thought he might be, what with you standing here and all.
Faith: I guess that means you have a job opening.
Willow: It’s horrible! That’s me as a vampire? I’m so evil and…skanky. And I think I’m kinda gay
Buffy: Willow, just remember, a vampire’s personality has nothing to do with the person it was.
Angel: Well, actually… That’s a good point.
Wesley: And you say this demon wanted cash? That’s very unusual.
Giles: Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore.
Mayor Wilkins: There’s more than one way to skin a cat. And I happen to know that’s factually true.
Buffy: I know this. It’s down by the bus station. Not the nicest part of town.
Giles: Again. See, no standards. I mean, any self-respecting demon should be living in a pit of filth or a nice crypt.
Xander: You know how some people hate to say I told you so? Not me. I told you so. Angel’s back in the really bad sense, and um, I told you so.
Wesley: Angelus has turned? Xander, this is terribly serious. Are you sure?
Xander: Gee, let me think. Kind of hard to tell. Last thing I remember was his fist.
Wesley: We must contact Giles immediately.
Xander: Good thinking. Let’s waste time with a lively debate. Leave Buffy alone, and see how dead she gets.
Cordelia: Slow down, Xander. This isn’t Wesley’s fault.
Xander: Actually, it is. Faith was your responsibility. Guess who’s Angel’s new playmate?
Willow: Faith and Angel? Together?
Xander: Imagine the possibilities.
Angel: And Buffy, be careful with this gift. A lot of things that seem strong and good and powerful, they can be painful.
Buffy: Like, say… immortality?
Angel: Exactly. I’m dying to get rid of that.
Angel: I’m a funny guy.
Oz: I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me and she becomes me. I cease to exist. Hmm.
Xander: What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time! Sex! Help! Four times five is 30. Five times six is 32. Naked girls. Naked women! And naked Buffy! Oh, stop me!
Buffy: God, Xander! Is that all you think about?
Xander: Actually… bye.
Buffy: You had sex with Giles? You had sex with Giles?!
Joyce: It was the candy! We were teenagers!
Buffy: On the hood of a police car?!
Joyce: I’ll be downstairs. You feel better!
Jonathan: Go away!
Buffy: Never gonna happen.
Jonathan: You think I won’t use this?
Buffy: I don’t know, Jonathan. I just –
Jonathan: Stop doing that!
Buffy: Doing what?
Jonathan: Stop saying my name like we’re friends! We’re not friends! You all think I’m an idiot! A short idiot!
Buffy: I don’t. I don’t think about you much at all. Nobody here really does. Bugs you, doesn’t it? You have all this pain and all these feelings, and nobody’s really paying attention?
Jonathan: You think I just want attention?
Buffy: No. I think you’re up in the clock tower with a high-powered rifle because you wanna blend in. Believe it or not, Jonathan, I understand about the pain.
Jonathan: Oh, right! Because the burden of being beautiful and athletic, that’s a crippler!
Buffy: You know what? I was wrong. You are an idiot. My life happens to, on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it. Sometimes more than I can handle. And it’s not just mine. Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they’re too busy with their own. The beautiful ones. The popular ones. The guys that pick on you. Everyone. If you could hear what they were feeling. The loneliness. The confusion. It looks quiet down there. It’s not. It’s deafening… You know, I could’ve taken that by now.
Jonathan: I know.Buffy: I’d rather do it this way.
Buffy: Well, it’s nice to be able to help someone in a non-slaying capacity. Except he’s starting to get that look, you know, like he’s gonna ask me to prom.
Giles: Well, it would probably be good for his self-esteem, if you…
Buffy: Oh, come on! What am I, Saint Buffy? He’s, like, three feet tall!
Giles: I’m glad to see you’ve recovered from your psychic encounter more or less intact. Feel up to some training?
Buffy: Sure. We can work out after school. You know, if you’re not too busy having sex with my mother!
Buffy: Looks like a job for Wiccan girl. What do you say, Will? Big-time danger.
Willow: Hey, I eat danger for breakfast.
Xander: But oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods.
Faith: Give me the speech again, please. “Faith, we’re still your friends. We can help you. It’s not too late.”
Willow: It’s way too late. You know, it didn’t have to be this way. But you made your choice. I know you had a tough life. I know that some people think you had a lot of bad breaks. Well, boo hoo! Poor you! You know, you had a lot more in your life than some people. I mean, you had friends in your life like Buffy. Now you have no one. You were a slayer and now you’re nothing. You’re just a big, selfish, worthless waste.
Faith: You hurt me, I hurt you. I’m just a little more efficient.
Willow: Aw, and here I just thought you didn’t have a comeback.
Buffy: I can’t let you stay because of me.
Willow: Actually, this isn’t about you. Although I’m fond, don’t get me wrong, of you. The other night, you know, being captured and all, facing off with Faith, things just kinda got clear. I mean, you’ve been fighting evil here for three years, and I’ve helped some, and now we’re supposed to decide what we want to do with our lives. And I just realized that’s what I want to do. Fight evil, help people. I mean, I-I think it’s worth doing. And I don’t think you do it because you have to. It’s a good fight, Buffy, and I want in.
Buffy: I kind of love you.
Willow: And, besides, I have a shot at being a bad-ass Wicca, and what better place to learn?
Buffy: I feel the need for more sugar than the human body can handle.
Buffy: Yes please! It’s weird. You look at something and you think you know exactly what you’re seeing, and then you find out it’s something else entirely.
Willow: Neat, huh?
Buffy: Sometimes it is.
Anya: The power of the Wish made me a righteous sword to smite the unfaithful.
Xander: Well, hey! Good luck with that. Hope it works out for you.
Anya: You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
Xander: Then why you talking to me?Anya: I don’t have a date for the prom.
Xander: Well, gosh! I wonder why not. It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch.
Anya: Men are evil… Will you go with me?
Xander: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don’t know which.
Anya: When I lost my powers I got stuck with this persona, and now I have all these feelings. I don’t understand it. I don’t like it. All I know is I really want to go to this dance and I want someone to go with me.
Anya: Look, I know you find me attractive. I’ve seen you looking at my breasts.
Xander: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that it just means his eyes are open.
Anya: Whatever. Look, do you wanna go with me or not?
Buffy: Well, at least we all have someone to go with now. Some of us are going with demons, but I think that’s a valid lifestyle choice.
Jonathan: This is actually a new category. First time ever. I guess there were a lot of write-in ballots, and, um, well, the prom committee asked me to read this… We’re not good friends. Most of us never found the time to get to know you, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t noticed you. We don’t talk about it much, but it’s no secret that Sunnydale High isn’t really like other high schools. A lot of weird stuff happens here.
Crowd outbursts: Zombies! . . . Hyena people! . . . Snyder!
Jonathan: But whenever there was a problem or something creepy happened, you seemed to show up and stop it. Most of the people here have been saved by you, or helped by you at one time or another. We’re proud to say that the Class of ’99 has the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class in Sunnydale history… And we know at least part of that is because of you. So the senior class offers its thanks, and gives you, uh, this. [produces a glittering, miniature umbrella with a small plaque attached to the shaft] It’s from all of us, and it has written here, “Buffy Summers, Class Protector.”
Graduation Day (1)
Anya: So I was wondering… maybe if you’re free this weekend… we could do some… entertaining thing
Xander: Would that be along the lines of you telling me all about the men you destroyed back in your demon days? ‘Cause pencil me in!
Anya: Well, we could do something else you like. We could, um, watch sports of some kind.
Xander: Uh, I don’t know.
Anya: Men like sports. I’m sure of it.
Xander: Yes, men like sports. Men watch the action movie, they eat of the beef, and enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that’s all that you’ve learned?
Xander: The mayor is going to kill us all during graduation.
Cordelia: Oh! Are you gonna go to fifth period?
Xander: I was thinking I might skip it.
Willow: I think we could be dead in two days and you’re being ironic, detachment guy.
Oz: Would it help you if I panic?
Willow: Yes! It’d be swell. Panic is a thing people can share in times of crisis. And everything’s really scary now, you know? And I don’t know what’s going to happen. A-a-and there’s all sorts of things that you’re supposed to get to do after high school, and I was really looking forward to doing them, and now we’re probably just going to die, and I’d like to feel that maybe you would —[Oz kisses her.]
Willow: What are you doing?
Anya: When I think that something could happen to you, it feels bad inside, like I might vomit.Xander: Welcome to the world of romance.
Anya: It’s horrible. No wonder I used to get so much work.
Xander: Well, I’m sorry I give you barfy feelings.
Anya: Come with me.
Xander: I can’t.
Anya: Why not?
Xander: I got friends on the line.
Anya: So?Xander: That humanity thing’s still a work in progress, isn’t it?
Graduation Day (2)
Cordelia: I personally don’t think it’s possible to come up with a crazier plan.
Oz: We attack the Mayor with hummus.
Cordelia: I stand corrected.
Oz: Just keeping things in perspective.Angel: Well, he’s not crazy about germs.
Cordelia: Of course. That’s it! We’ll attack him with germs!
Buffy: Great! We’ll get him cornered, and then you can sneeze on him.
Cordelia: No! No. We’ll get a container of Ebola virus, and… and, um… or — it doesn’t even have to be real. We could just get a box that says “Ebola” on it, and, um… chase him… With the box.
Xander: I’m starting to lean towards the hummus offensive.
Oz: He’ll never see it coming.
Wesley: I’m not here for the council. Just tell me how I can help.
Cordelia: That is so classy! Isn’t he just so classy?
Buffy: It’s a start.
Wesley: So there is something I can do? Besides scream like a woman.
Mayor Wilkins: Well, what a day this is! Special day. Today is our centennial, the one-hundredth anniversary of the founding of Sunnydale, and I know what that mean to all you kids: not a darn thing. Because today something much more important happens. Today you all graduate from high school. Today all the pain, all the work, all the excitement is finally over. And what’s a hundred years of history compared to that? You know what, kids…
Buffy: Oh my God. He’s going to do the entire speech.
Willow: Man, just ascend already.
Mayor Wilkins: … for all of you it may be that there is a place in Sunnydale’s history, whether you like it or not. It’s been a long road getting here. For you. For Sunnydale. There was been achievement, joy, good times. And there has been grief. There’s been loss. Some people who should be here today… aren’t. But we are. Journeys end. And what is a journey? Is it just.. distance travelled? Time spent? No. It’s what happens on the way, it’s the things that shape you. At the end of the journey you’re not the same. Today is about change. Graduation doesn’t just mean your circumstances change, it means you do. You ascend… to a higher level. Nothing will ever be the same. Nothing.
Mayor Wilkins: It has begun. My destiny. It’s a little sooner than I expected. I had this whole section on civic pride. But I guess we’ll just skip to the big finish!
Oz: Guys. Take a moment to deal with this. We survived.
Buffy: It was a hell of a battle.
Oz: Not the battle. High School.
Buffy: It’s nice that you’re excited.
Willow: It’s just that in High School, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon, you really had to work to learn anything. But here… the energy, the collective intelligence, it’s like this force. This penetrating force.. and I can just feel my mind opening up, you know, and letting this place just thrust into and spurt knowledge into… That sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in.
Buffy: You saw the Grand Canyon?
Xander: Well, I saw the movie Grand Canyon, on cable. Really lame.
Xander: Basically, I got as far as Oxnard and the engine fell out of my car, and that was literally. So I ended up washing dishes at the fabulous “Ladies Night” club for about a month and a half while I tried to pay for the repairs. Nobody really bothered me, or even spoke to me, until one night, when one of the male strippers called in sick, and no power on this earth will make me tell you the rest of that story. Suffice to say, I traded my car in for one that wasn’t entirely made of rust, came trundling back home to the arms of my loving parents, where everything is exactly as it was, except I sleep in the basement and I have to pay rent. How’s college?
Buffy: Male strippers?
Xander: No power on this earth!
Xander: Buffy, this is all about fear. It’s understandable, but you can’t let it control you. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger. – No, wait, hold on. – Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side. – Hold on, no. Ahm… First you get the women, then you get the money, then you… – OK, can we forget that?Buffy: Thanks for Dadaist pep talk. I feel much more abstract now.
Xander: The point is, you’re Buffy.
Buffy: Yeah. Maybe in high school I was Buffy.
Xander: And now in college you’re Betty Louise?
Buffy: Yeah, I’m Betty Louise Plotnick of East Cupcake, Illinois. I might as well be.
Xander: Let me tell you something. When it’s dark and I’m all alone, and I’m scared or freaked out or whatever, I always think “What would Buffy do?” You’re my hero. OK, sometimes when it’s dark and I’m all alone, I think “What is Buffy wearing?”
Buffy: … so then Kathy’s like, “It’s share time.” And I’m like, “Oh yeah? Share this!”
Oz: So, either you hit her, or you did your wacky mime routine for her.
Buffy: Well, I didn’t do either, actually. But she deserves it, don’t you think?
Oz: Nobody deserves a mime, Buffy.
Buffy: You’re right. Ooh! She’s even affecting my work, now. She’s the Titanic. She’s a crawling black cancer!
Buffy: She’s… other really bad things.
Oz: On the plus side you’ve killed the bench, which was looking shifty.
The Harsh Light of Day
Buffy: What’s the matter, Spike? Dru dump you again?
Spike: Maybe I dumped her!
Harmony: She left him for a fungus demon. That’s all he talks about most days.
Anya: I like you. You’re funny and you’re nicely shaped. And, frankly, it’s ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not… interlock. Please remove your clothing now.
Xander: And the amazing thing? Still more romantic than Faith.
Xander: Whoa! Giles has a TV! Everybody… Giles has a TV, he’s shallow like us!
Harmony: Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?
Harmony: Can I make him a vampire?
Spike: No. Wait, on second thought, yeah. Go do that. Take your time. Do Melanie and the kids as well.
Anya: You haven’t called. Not once!
Xander: You said you were over me.
Anya: And you just accepted that? I only said that because I thought that’s what you wanted to hear.Xander: Well, that’s the funny thing about me. I tend to hear the actual words people say and accept them at face value.
Anya: That’s stupid.
Xander: I accept that.
Willow: I’m Joan of Arc. I figured we had a lot in common, seeing as how I was almost burned at the stake, plus she has that close relationship with God.
Xander: And you are?
Xander: Of course. I wish I’d thought of that before I put down my deposit. I could’ve been God.
Buffy: This is Gachnar?
Xander: Big overture, little show.
Gachnar: I am the Dark Lord of Nightmares! The Bringer of Terror! Tremble before me! Fear me!
Willow: He… he’s so cute!
Xander: Who’s a little fear demon? Come on! Who’s a little fear demon?
Giles: Don’t taunt the fear demon.
Xander: Why, can he hurt me?
Giles: No, it’s just… tacky.
Giles: Bloody hell, the inscription!
Giles: I should’ve translated the Gaelic inscription beneath the picture.
Buffy: What does it say?
Giles: … Actual size.
Willow: Aren’t you too young to be a bartender?
Xander: Au contraire, mon frere.
Buffy: Mon frere means brother.
Xander: Mon girl-frere. Behold! [holds up a fake ID]
Willow: I don’t believe this is entirely on the up and up.
Xander: What gives it away?
Willow: Looking at it.
Willow: Buffy that is my best friend you need to think about not Parker. He’s no good. There are men, better men, wherein the mind is stronger than the penis.
Xander: Nothing can defeat the penis! Too loud, very unseemly.
Oz: Hey, you got a table.
Willow: I had to kill a man.
Oz: Well it’s a really good table.
Giles: I can’t believe you served Buffy that beer.
Xander: I didn’t know it was evil.
Giles: You knew it was beer!
Xander: Well, excuse me, Mr. I-spent-the-sixties-in-an-electric-Kool-Aid-funky-Satan-groove!
Giles: It was the early seventies, and you should know better.
Xander: And was there a lesson in all this? huh? What did we learn about beer?
Xander: Good, just as long as that’s clear. Anyways I think the boys in the car are contained for the time being. This’ll give them some time to ponder the geo-political ramifications of being mean to me!
Wild at Heart
Willow: How come you didn’t tell me I look like a crazy birthday cake in this shirt?
Buffy: I thought that was the point.
Oz: Veruca was right about something. The wolf is inside me all the time, and I don’t know where that line is anymore between me and it. And until I figure out what that means, I shouldn’t be around you… Or anybody
Willow: Well, that could be a problem ’cause people… Kind of a planetary epidemic.
Buffy: You know, for someone who teaches human behavior, you might try showing some.
Professor Walsh: It’s not my job to coddle my students.
Buffy: You’re right. A human being in pain has nothing to do with your job.
Professor Walsh: I like her.
Willow: OK, say that I help and you start a conversation. It goes great. You like Buffy, she likes you. You spend time together, feelings grow deeper and one day, without even realizing it, you find you’re in love. Time stops and it feels like the whole world’s made for you two and you two alone, until the day one of you leaves and rips the still-beating heart from the other, who’s now a broken, hollow mockery of the human condition.Riley: Yep, that’s the plan.
Willow: I figured it was.
Willow: Talk, funny is good but don’t be glib. And remember, if you hurt her I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody’s friend. Have fun!
Spike: I don’t understand. This sort of thing’s never happened to me b-before.
Willow: Maybe you were nervous.
Spike: I felt all right when I started. Let’s try again. Ow! Oh! Ow! Damn it!
Willow: Maybe you’re trying too hard. Doesn’t this happen to every vampire?
Spike: Not to me it doesn’t.
Willow: It’s me, isn’t it?
Spike: What are you talking about?
Willow: Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. You didn’t wanna bite me. I just happened to be around.
Willow: I know I’m not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It’s always like, “Oooh, you’re like a sister to me,” or, “Oh, you’re such a good friend.”
Spike: Don’t be ridiculous. I’d bite you in a heartbeat.
Spike: Thought about it.
Spike: Remember last year, you had on that, uh, fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath?
Willow: I never would’ve guessed. You played the blood-lust kinda cool.
Spike: Mmm. I hate being obvious. All fangy and “rrr!” Takes the mystery out.
Willow: But if you could…
Spike: If I could, yeah.
Willow: You know, this doesn’t make you any less terrifying.
Spike: Don’t patronize me. I’m only 126!
Willow: You’re being too hard on yourself. Why don’t we wait a half an hour and try again? Or…
Willow: Thanksgiving isn’t a-about blending of two cultures. It’s about one culture wiping out another! A-and then they make animated specials about the part where… w-with the maize and th-the big, big belt buckles. They don’t show you the next scene, where… where all the bison die, a-and Squanto takes a musketball in the stomach!
Buffy: Okay, now, for some of that, you were channeling your mother?
Buffy: With Mom at Aunt Darlene’s this year, I’m not getting a Thanksgiving. Maybe it’s just as well.Anya: Well, I think that’s a shame. I love a ritual sacrifice.
Buffy: It’s not really a one of those.Anya: To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It’s a ritual sacrifice… with pie.
Spike: Oh, someone put a stake in me!
Xander: You gotta lot of volunteers in here.
Spike: I just can’t take all this namby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians.
Willow: Uh, the preferred term is-
Spike: You won. All right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That’s what conquering nations do. That’s what Caesar did, and he’s not going around saying, “I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it.” The history of the world is not people making friends. You had better weapons, and you massacred them. End of story.
Buffy: Well, I think the Spaniards actually did a lot of– Not that I don’t like Spaniards.
Spike: Listen to you. How you gonna fight anyone with that attitude?
Willow: We don’t wanna fight anyone.
Buffy: I just wanna have Thanksgiving.
Spike: Heh. Yeah…Good luck.
Willow: If we could talk to him–
Spike: You exterminated his race. What could you possibly say that would make him feel better? It’s kill or be killed here. Take your bloody pick.
Xander: Maybe it’s the syphilis talking, but… some of that made sense.
Giles: I made a lot of these points earlier, but fine, no one listens to me.
Spike: Passions is on! Timmy’s down a bloody well, and if you make me miss it I’ll –
Giles: Do what? Lick me to death?
Buffy: Spike and I are getting married!
Xander: How? What? How?
Giles: Three excellent questions.
Spike: What are you looking at?
Buffy: The man I love.[She and Spike kiss, long and salaciously. Xander and Anya avert their eyes.]Xander: Can I be blind too?
Spike: Don’t I get a cookie?
Spike: Well, I gotta have something. I still have Buffy taste in my mouth.
Buffy: You’re a pig, Spike.
Spike: Yeah, well, I’m not the one who wanted Wind Beneath My Wings for the first dance.
Buffy: That was the spell!
Spike: Don’t see why I have to be tied up.
Xander: It’s just while I’m sleeping.
Spike: Like I’d bite you, anyway.
Xander: Oh, you would.
Spike: Not bloody likely.
Xander: I happen to be very biteable, pal. I’m moist and delicious.
Spike: Alright, yeah, fine. You’re a nummy treat.
Xander: And don’t you forget it.
Buffy: So not stellar, huh?
Willow: Talk. All talk. Blah blah Gaia, blah blah moon, menstrual life-force power thingy. You know after a couple of sessions I was hoping we would get into something real but…
Buffy: No actual witches in your witch group.
Willow: No, bunch of wanna-blessed-bes. Nowadays every girl with a henna tattoo and a spice rack thinks she’s a sister to the dark ones.
Giles: I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood.
Spike: Yeah, well sometimes I like to crumble up the Weetabix in the blood. Gives it a little texture.Giles: Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you’ll just have to pick it up yourself.
Xander: I have to get to work.
Spike: Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread. Doing your part to keep America constipated.
Willow: Right. It was carved into his chest, like a big creepy eye.
Xander: It’s kind of like the CBS logo. Hey, could this be the handiwork of one Mr. Morley Safer?Buffy: I’m telling you I’ve seen this somewhere before. I just can’t remember where! I mean, it’s like…Giles: It’s the end of the world.
Buffy, Willow, Xander: Again?
Giles: It’s, ah, the earthquake… that symbol… yes.
Buffy: I told you. I-I said “end of the world”, and you’re like “poo-poo, southern California, poo-poo”!Giles: I’m so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.
Buffy: “I wonder where I’ve seen this before” – Where else? The place I spend most of my waking hours memorizing stuff off the sides of mausoleums. Big freaky cereal boxes of death.
A New Man
Maggie Walsh: So, the Slayer!
Buffy: Yeah. That’s me.
Maggie Walsh: We thought you were a myth.
Buffy: Well, you were myth-taken.
Xander: You own nothing. This shouldn’t be taking so long.
Spike: Hang on. Let a fella get organized. [picks up radio.]
Xander: That’s my radio!
Spike: And you’re what? Shocked and disappointed? I’m evil!
The I in Team
Maggie Walsh: It took the patrol team 42 minutes to track you and you neutralized them in 28 seconds.
Buffy: I was just lucky.
Maggie Walsh: I see. Well…still. Very impressive.
Buffy: I was just being modest with the whole ‘lucky’ thing. You got that, right?
Maggie Walsh: It’s hard not to blame myself.
Buffy: Professor Walsh. That simple little recon you sent me on wasn’t a raccoon. Turns out it was me trapped in the sewers with a faulty weapon and two of your pet demons. If you think that’s enough to kill me, you really don’t know what a Slayer is. Trust me when I say you’re gonna find out.
Buffy: Sorry, I’m the only one that can pass the retinal scan.
Xander: The… ew! I don’t wanna see that.
Buffy: Retinal scan, Xander.
Buffy: That would never happen.
Willow: Well no, Buff. That’s why they’re called cartoons not documentaries.
Buffy: I’m going to the crime scene to see what I can find out. You guys research the Polgara demon. I want to know where it is. When I find it, I’m going to make it pay for taking that kid’s life. I’ll make him die in ways he can’t even imagine.
Buffy: That probably would’ve sounded more commanding if I wasn’t wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.
Buffy: I could barely fight him. It was like Maggie designed him to be the ultimate warrior. He’s smart and fast; he gave the commando guys the slip with no problem.
Willow: There’s gotta be a flaw.
Buffy: I think the part where he’s pure evil and kills randomly was an oversight.
This Year’s Girl
Spike: What do you need?
Xander: Her. Dark hair, yea tall, name of Faith, criminally insane.
Giles: Have you seen her?
Spike: Is this bird after you?
Xander: In a bad way, yeah.
Spike: Tell you what I’ll do, then. I’ll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where all of you are, and then watch as she kills you. Can any one of your damn little Scooby club at least try to remember that I HATE you all? Just because I can’t do the damage myself doesn’t stop me from aiming a loose cannon your way. And here I thought the evening would be dull.
Xander: Go ahead! You wouldn’t even recognize her!
Spike: Dark hair, this tall, name of Faith. Criminally insane. I like this girl already.
Xander: We’re dumb.
Buffy: I’ve been looking for you.
Faith: Been standin’ still for eight months, B, how hard you look?
Buffy: Faith, these are innocent people.
Faith: No such animal.
Faith: I kept having this dream; I’m not sure what it means. But in the dream, this self-righteous blonde chick stabs me, and you want to know why?
Buffy: You had it coming.
Faith: That’s one interpretation, but in my dream she does it for a guy. Try it, Red, and you lose an arm. I wake up to find that this blonde chick isn’t even dating the guy she was so nuts about. I mean, she’s moved on to the first college beef stick she meets. And not only has she forgotten about the love of her life, she’s forgot about the chick she nearly killed for him. So that’s my dream… that and some stuff about cigars and tunnel. But, uh, tell me college girl, what does it mean?
Buffy: To me? Mostly that you still mouth off about things you don’t understand. Uh oh, I guess somebody knows you’re here.
Joyce: You don’t know the first thing about Buffy. Or me.
Faith: Don’t I? I know what it’s like. You think you matter. You think you’re a part of something and you get dumped. It’s like the whole world is moving but you’re stuck. Like those animals in the tar pits. It’s like you just keep sinking a little deeper everyday and nobody even sees.
Joyce: Were you planning to slit my throat anytime soon?
Faith: Don’t tell me you don’t see it, Joyce. You served your purpose. You squirted out the kid, raised her up, and now you might as well be dead! I mean, nobody cares! Nobody remembers! Especially not Buffy-fabulous-super-hero! Sooner or later you’re gonna have to face it. She was over us a long time ago, Joyce. [voice rising to a shout] Too busy climbing onto her new boy toy to give a single thought to the people that matter! I mean, you’re her mother and she just leaves you here to die!
Buffy: Hi, Mom!
Joyce: Hi, honey.
Who Are You?
Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers?
Faith: [in Buffy’s body] ‘Cause I’m a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?
Spike: Well, yeah. That covers a lot of it.
Faith: [in Buffy’s body] ‘Cause I could do anything I want and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness. I mean, I could be rich, I could be famous. I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I’ve got muscles you’ve never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you pop like warm champagne and you’d beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don’t? [mockingly] Because it’s wrong.
Spike: I get this chip out, you and me are going to have a confrontation.
Buffy [in Faith’s body]: Giles, you turned into a demon and I knew it was you. I mean, can’t you just look into my eyes and be all intuitive?
Giles: How did I turn into a demon?
Buffy [in Faith’s body]: Oh! ’cause, uh… Ethan Rayne! And you have a girlfriend named Olivia, and you haven’t had a job since we blew up the school – which is valid, lifestyle-wise. I mean, it’s not like you’re a slacker type, but… Oh, oh! When I had psychic power, I heard my mom think that you were like a stevedore during sex. Wh-Do you want me to continue?
Giles: Actually, I beg you to stop.
Buffy [in Faith’s body]: What’s a stevedore?
Adam: You fear death. Being immortal, you fear it more than those to whom it comes naturally. Vampires are a paradox.
Boone: Okay, we’re a paradox. That’s cool.
Adam: Demon in a human body. You walk in both worlds and belong to neither. I can relate.
Buffy: But someone could wish the whole world to be different, right? That’s… possible?
Anya: Sure. Alternate realities. You could, uh, could have, like, a world without shrimp, or with, you know, nothing but shrimp. You could even make, like, a freaky world where Jonathan’s like some kind of not-perfect mouth-breather, if that’s what’s blowing up your skirt these days. Just don’t ask me to live there.
Buffy: I’m not entirely sure that we can trust our memories. Anya, tell them about the alternate universes.Anya: Oh, okay. Say you really like shrimp a lot or we could say you don’t like shrimp at all. “Blah, I wish there weren’t any shrimp” you’d say to yourself-
Buffy: Stop! You’re saying it wrong. I think that Jonathan may be doing something so that he’s manipulating the world and we’re all, like, his pawns.
Anya: Or prawns.
Buffy: Stop with the shrimp! I’m trying to do something here.
Buffy: Giles, do you have a Jonathan swimsuit calendar?
Giles: No… Yes… it was a gift.
Spike: I wasn’t exactly pining for a noisy visit from Wonder Jonathan and his fluffy battle kitten.
Riley: These spells, they really work? I mean, can you really turn your enemies inside out? Or… learn to excrete gold coins.
Anya: That one’s not so much fun.
Willow: They work, Riley, but they take concentration. Being attuned with the forces of the universe.Xander: Right, you can’t just go librum incendere and expect —[The book catches on fire; Xander closes it rapidly.]
Giles: Xander, don’t speak Latin in front of the books.
Where the Wild Things Are
[When Buffy and Riley are attacked by a vampire-demon tag-team.]Buffy: Okay, you get Fangs, I’ll get Horny. I mean…
Xander: Buffy and Riley are trapped.
Anya: So? She’s a Slayer, he’s a big soldier boy. What do they need you for?
Xander: Anya, look around: there’s ghosts and shaking and people are going all Felicity with their hair. We’re fresh out of super-people and somebody’s gotta go back in there. Now, who’s with me?
Spike: I am. I know I’m not the first choice for heroics, and Buffy’s tried to kill me more than once, and I don’t fancy a single one of you at all, but… Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. I wonder if Asian House is open.
[Giles is singing and playing “Behind Blue Eyes” by The Who at an espresso bar. Anya, Willow, Xander and Tara watch from the door, amazed. All three girls are riveted; Willow’s and Anya’s mouths are hanging open.]Anya: Oh.
Xander: Um, could we go back to the haunted house? Cause, this is creeping me out.
Tara: Does he do this a lot?
Xander: Sure. Every day the earth rotates backward and the skies turn orange.
Willow: Now I remember why I used to have such a crush on him.
Tara: Well, he is pretty good.
Anya: His voice is… pleasant.
Willow: Oh, come on, he is kinda sexy.
Xander: I’m fighting total mental breakdown here, Will. No more fueling the fire, please.
Xander: So with Buffy and Riley having… you know, acts of nakedness ’round the clock lately maybe they set something free, like a big, bursting poltergasm.
Giles: When you called to Buffy and Riley didn’t cry out or respond in any way.
Anya: No, they’re probably dead.
Xander: Unless they’re too busy doing it to answer.
Giles: Doing what?
Xander: You know, for a god of acoustic rock you’re… kind of naive.
Giles: I didn’t think you meant… In the midst of all that? Do you really think they were keeping it up?Giles: Oh, for different phrasing.
New Moon Rising
Buffy: Zippo. Patrol has been totally uneventful. My kill count’s way down.
Willow: [to Tara] She means that there’s been less bad guy activity.
Giles: And we know what that often indicates.
Xander: Buffy doesn’t make her quota. Bad Slayer!
Buffy: Oz isn’t a Demon. Something happened to him that wasn’t his fault. I never knew you were such a bigot!
Riley: I’m not. I’m just saying it’s a little strange to date someone who tries to eat you once a month!
Willow: It’s complicated…because of Tara.
Buffy: You mean Tara has a crush on Oz? No… [suddenly realizes Willow is in love with Tara] Oh!!Well, there you go! I mean, you know, you have to… follow your heart, Will. And that’s what’s important, Will.
Willow: Why do you keep saying my name like that?
Buffy: Like what, Will?
Willow: Are you freaked?
Buffy: What? No, Will! No. No, absolutely no to that question. I’m glad you told me.
Willow: I don’t want to hurt anyone, Buffy.
Buffy: No matter what, somebody’s going to get hurt. And the important thing is, you just have to be honest or it’s going to be a lot worse.
Spike: The thing about the Slayer is she is a whiny little thing, but when it comes to fighting she does have a slight tendency to win.
Willow: No candles? I brought one. It’s… extra flamey. Tara, I have to tell you…
Tara: No, I-I understand. You have to be with the person you l-love.
Willow: I am.
Tara: You mean…
Willow: I mean. Okay?
Tara: Oh, yes.
Willow: I feel horrible about everything I put you through. A-and I’m gonna make it up to you. Starting right now.Tara: Right now?[Willow nods and smiles][Tara blows the candle out]
The Yoko Factor
Willow: Crack a government encrypted code on my laptop? Easy as really difficult pie.
Spike: You’re not exactly the wiz these days either. God, I’m never going to get paid.
Willow: I am a wiz.
Tara: She is a wiz.
Willow: If ever a wiz there was.
Spike: Now that was fun!
Adam: You were successful?
Spike: Easier than I’d thought it’d be, too.
Adam: You’re sure?
Spike: Feel it in my bones. I call it…the Yoko Factor. Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of The Beatles?Adam: I have. I like Helter Skelter.
Spike: What a surprise. The point is, they were once a real powerful group. It’s not a stretch to say they ruled the world. And when they broke up everyone blamed Yoko, but the fact is the group split itself apart, she just happened to be there. You know how it is with kids. They go off to college, they grow apart. Way of the world.
Xander: You and Willow go do the superpower thing. I’ll stay behind and putter around the batcave with crusty old Alfred here.
Giles: Ah, no. I am no Alfred, sir. No, you forget. Alfred had a job.
Col. McNamara: We hit him with continuous taser blasts.
Xander: Great plan. That’s right up there with duck and cover.
Giles: I do speak Sumerian, it’s not that. Only an experienced witch can incant it, and you have to be within striking distance of the subject.
Xander: See what you get for taking French instead of Sumerian?
Buffy: What was I thinking?
Xander: So, no problem, all we need is combo-Buffy. Her with Slayer strength, Giles’ multi-lingual know-how and Willow’s witchy power. Yeah, don’t tell me, I’m just full of helpful suggestions!
Giles: As a matter of fact you are.
Government Consel: It was an experiment. The Initiative represented the Government’s interests in not only controlling the otherworldly menace, but harnessing its power for our own military purposes. The considered opinion of this counsel is that this experiment has failed. Once the prototype took control of the complex, our soldiers suffered a 40% casualty rate. Only through the actions of the deserter and a group of civilian insurrectionists that our losses were not total. I trust the irony of that is not lost on any of us. Maggie Walsh’s vision was brilliant, but ultimately unsupportable. The demons cannot be harnessed. The end result cannot be controlled. It is therefore our recommendation that this project be terminated and all records concerning it expunged. Our soldiers’ll be debriefed. Standard confidentiality clause. We will monitor the civilians and usual measures prepared should they try to go public. I don’t think they will. The Initiative itself will be filled in with concrete. Burn it down, gentlemen. Burn it down, and salt the Earth.
Xander: Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell, and…then I do a spell by myself.
Xander: I move pretty fast. You know, a man’s always after a-
Xander: I’m a conquistador.
Joyce: Are you sure it isn’t comfort?
Xander: I’m a comfortador also.
[During Xander’s dream, he and Principal Snyder parody “Apocalypse Now.”]
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: Where are you from, Harris?
Xander as Captain Willard: Well, the basement, mostly.
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: Were you born there?
Xander as Captain Willard: Possibly.
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: I walked by your guidance counselor’s office one time. A bunch of you were sitting there … waiting to be shepherded. I remember it smelled like dead flowers. Like decay. Then it hit me. The hope of our nation’s future is a bunch of mulch.
Xander as Captain Willard: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake.
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: Where are you heading?
Xander as Captain Willard: Well, I’m supposed to meet Tara and Willow. And possibly Buffy’s mom.
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: Are you a soldier?
Xander as Captain Willard: I’m a comfortador.
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: You’re neither. You’re a whipping boy. Raised by mongrels and set on a sacrificial stone.
Xander as Captain Willard: I’m getting a cramp.
Buffy: But what else could I expect from a bunch of low-rent, no-account hoodlums like you? Hoodlums, yes, I mean you and your friends, your whole sex. Throw ’em in the sea for all I care. Throw ’em in and wait for the bubbles. Men, with your groping and spitting. All groin, no brain. Three billion of ya’ passin’ around the same worn out urge. Men… with your sales.
Tara: [speaking for The First Slayer] I have no speech, no name. I live in the action of death. The blood cry, the penetrating wound. I am destruction, absolute, alone.
Buffy vs. Dracula
Buffy: So let me get this straight. You’re… Dracula. The guy. The Count.
Dracula: I am.
Buffy: And you’re sure this isn’t just some fanboy thing? Because… I’ve fought more than a couple of pimply overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat.
Dracula: You know who I am. As I would know without question that you are Buffy Summers.
Buffy: You’ve heard of me?
Dracula: Naturally. You’re known throughout the world.
Buffy: Naw. Really?
Dracula: Why else would I come here? For the sun? I came to meet the renowned… killer.
Buffy: Yeah, I prefer the term Slayer. You know, killer just sounds so…
Buffy: Like I… paint clowns or something. I’m the good guy, remember?
Dracula: Perhaps, but your power is rooted in darkness. You must feel it.
Buffy: No. You know what I feel? Bored.
[She attempts to stake Dracula, but he repeatedly dissipates into mist to avoid her]
Buffy: Okay. That’s cheating.
Riley: What can you tell me about Dracula?
Spike: Dracula? Poncy bugger owes me £11, for one thing.
Riley: You know him?
Spike: Know him? We’re old rivals. But then he got famous, forgot all about his foes. I’ll tell you what – that glory hound’s done more harm to vampires than any Slayer. His story gets out, and suddenly everybody knows how to kill us, the mirror bit…!
Riley: But he’s not just a regular vampire. He has special powers, right?
Spike: Nothing but showy Gypsy stuff. What’s it to you, anyway?
Riley: He’s in town, making his presence known.
Spike: Drac’s in Sunnydale? Guess the old boy needed closure after all.
Xander: Where is he?! Where’s the creep that turned me into his spider-eating man-bitch?
Buffy: He’s gone.
Xander: Dammit! You know what? I’m sick of this crap! I’m sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it’s over. I’m finished being everybody’s butt-monkey!
Buffy: Check. No more butt-monkey.
Dawn: I-I could save the world if somebody handed me superpowers! But I-I’d think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones. Which Buffy doesn’t even!
Anya: Crap! Look at this. I’m burdened with a husband, and several tiny pink children, and more cash than I can reasonably manage…
Xander: That means you’re winning.
Xander: Yes. Cash equals good.
Anya: Oh! I’m so pleased! Can I trade in the children for more cash?
Buffy: You are going to be in so much trouble when we get home!
Dawn: Yeah, well, I’m telling Mom you slayed in front of me.
Buffy: Fine! I’ll just tell her that you ran out of the house in the middle of the night! That you got Anya hurt! Invited a vampire in! Got kidnapped!
Buffy: Giles, are you sure about this?
Giles: Why wouldn’t I be?
Buffy: Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer… and have you ever run a store before?
Giles: I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they don’t return. It’ll give me focus, increase my resources. And it’ll prevent you lot from trampling all over my flat at all hours. There may even be some space for you to train in the back.
Buffy: Boy, you’ve really thought this through… How bored were you last year?
Giles: I watched “Passions” with Spike. Let us never speak of it.
Anya: Well maybe we shouldn’t do this re-integration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home and we can all have sex together, and then, you know, just slap ’em back together in the morning.
Cool Xander: She’s joking.
Loser Xander: No she’s not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together, which is wrong and… and it would be very confusing.
Giles: We just need to arrange the candles; also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
Willow: Check. Candles and pretense.
Anya: Well, what do we do if it doesn’t work?
Both Xanders: Kill us both, Spock!
Buffy: They’re… kinda the same now.
Giles: Yes, he’s clearly a bad influence on himself.
Out of My Mind
Buffy: I so don’t want to deal with Spike right now. The guy is really starting to bug me in that special “I want to shove something wooden through his heart” kind of way.
Doctor: You can’t smoke in here.
Harmony: Oh yeah, says who? [Doctor points to a “No Smoking” sign] Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t see the sign.
No Place Like Home
Buffy: What the hell is it?
Giles: It appears to be paranormal in origin.
Willow: How can you tell?
Giles: Well, it’s so shiny.
Anya: Please go.
Xander: Anya, the Shopkeepers Union of America called. They wanted me to tell you that “Please go” just got replaced with “Have a nice day.”
Anya: But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?
Xander: No one. It’s just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it.
Buffy: What are you doing here? Five words or less.
Spike: [Pauses, then, counting on his fingers] Out… for… a… walk… bitch.
Glory: And another thing I just want you to know, this whole “beat you to death” thing I’m doing? This is valuable time out of life I’m never gonna get back. Wait, I’ve always wanted to try this. You know that thing with worms, where if you have one and you rip it in half, you get two worms. Do you think that’ll work with you? [Buffy headbutts her] Ow! You hit me. What are you crazy? You can’t go around hitting people. What were you, born in a barn? Fine, be that way! [grabs Buffy by the throat] I just noticed something, you have superpowers, that is so cool. Can you fly? [throws Buffy across the room]
Giles: You’re in a magic shop, and you can’t think what Tara would like. I believe you’re both profoundly stupid.
Xander: Well, we don’t really know what kind of things witches like. What, are we gonna get her some cheesy crystal ball?
Giles: You bloody well better not. I’ve got mine already wrapped.
Buffy: You want her, Mr. Maclay? You can go ahead and take her. You just gotta go through me.
Mr. Maclay: What?
Buffy: You heard me! You wanna take Tara out of here against her will? You gotta come through me
Dawn: And me!
Mr. Maclay: Is this a joke? I’m not gonna be threatened by two little girls!
Dawn: You don’t wanna mess with us.
Buffy: She’s a hair-puller.
Giles: And you’re not just dealing with two little girls.
Xander: You’re dealing with all of us.
Spike: Except me.
Xander: Except Spike.
Spike: I don’t care what happens.
Mr. Maclay: This is insane. You people have no right to interfere with Tara’s affairs. We are her blood kin! Who the hell are you?
Buffy: We’re family.
Fool for Love
Spike: How many of my kind do you think you’ve done?
Buffy: Not enough.
Spike: Mm-hmm. And we just keep comin’. But you can kill a hundred, a thousand, a thousand thousand and the armies of Hell besides, and all we need is for one of us, just one, sooner or later, to have the thing we’re all hoping for.
Buffy: And that would be what?
Spike: [whispers in her ear] One… good… day.
Spike: The first was all business, but the second — she had a touch of your style. She was cunning, resourceful… oh, did I mention? Hot. I could have danced all night with that one.
Buffy: You think we’re dancing?
Spike: That’s all we’ve ever done. And the thing about the dance is, you never get to stop. Every day you wake up, it’s the same bloody question that haunts you: “Is today the day I die?” Death is your art. You make it with your hands, day after day. That final gasp. That look of peace. Part of you is desperate to know: “What’s it like? Where does it lead you?” And now, you see, that’s the secret. Not the punch you didn’t throw, or the kicks you didn’t land. She merely wanted it. Every Slayer… has a death wish. [in a flashback, Spike snaps Nikki’s neck]
Spike: Even you. The only reason you’ve lasted as long as you have is you’ve got ties to the world…your mum, your brat kid sister, the Scoobies. They all tie you here, but you’re just putting off the inevitable. Sooner or later, you’re gonna want it. And the second- the second – that happens…You know I’ll be there. I’ll slip in… have myself a real good day. Here endeth the lesson. I just wonder if you’ll like it as much as she did.
Xander: Just once I would like to run into a cult of bunny worshippers.
Anya: Great! Thank you very much for those nightmares.
Spike: Okay, how ’bout this one. Twice in recent memory, she’s had the lover-wiccas do a deinvite on the house. Keep out specific vamps. Ever ask yourself why she’s never taken my name off the guest list?
Riley: Because you’re harmless.
Spike: Oh yeah, right. Takes one to know, I suppose. Least I still got the attitude. What do you got, a piercing glance? Face it, white bread. Buffy’s got a type, and you’re not it. She likes us dangerous, rough, occasionally bumpy in the forehead region. Not that she doesn’t like you … but sorry Charlie, you’re just not dark enough.
Listening to Fear
Dr. Kriegel: Joyce, there’s no reason to get upset.
Joyce: No reason to get upset? Oh, right, sorry, I must just think there is because of my brain tumor!
Willow: Something evil crashed to earth in this and then broke out and … slithered away to do badness
Giles: In all fairness, we don’t really know about the slithered part.
Anya: Oh, no. I’m sure it frisked about like a fluffy lamb.
Xander: Look at how teeny Mercury is compared to, like, Saturn. Whereas in contrast, the cars of the same name…
Giles: Xander, please, we have work to do.
Xander: I still don’t get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot monster.
Giles: Because it’s a killer snot monster from outer space… I did not just say that.
Joyce: Dawn… she’s not mine is she?
Joyce: She’s… she does belong to us though.
Buffy: Yes she does.
Joyce: And she’s important… to the world, precious. As precious as you are to me… Then we have to take care of her. Buffy, promise me, if anything happens, if I don’t come through this-
Joyce: No, listen to me. No matter what she is, she still feels like my daughter. I have to know that you’ll take care of her, that you’ll keep her safe, that you’ll love her like I love you.
Buffy: I promise.
Into the Woods
Dawn: Alone time always translates into let’s get Dawn out of the house so we can have loud, obnoxious sex.Anya: [to Xander] Does that mean we can’t?
Anya: That’s so very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon! I can just hear you in private: [speaking to a chicken foot] “I dislike that Anya. She’s newly human and strangely literal.”
Willow: Anya, I don’t say that. No one says that. No one talks that way.
Riley: They want me back Buffy, the military. It’s deep undercover. No contact with civilians. Transport’s leaving tonight.
Buffy: Tonight? When were you going to tell me about this?
Riley: I’m telling you now.
Riley: I’m leaving, Buffy. Unless you give me reason to stay.
Buffy: What more do you want from me Riley? I’ve given you everything I have. My heart, my body and soul… and if that isn’t enough for you then we really have a problem.
Xander: [to Anya] I’ve gotta say something, ’cause I don’t think I’ve made it clear. I’m in love with you. Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do, the way you think, the way you move. I get excited every time I’m about to see you. You make me feel like I’ve never felt before in my life… like a man. I just thought you might like to know.
Giles: Um, Anya, while, while I completely trust you uh, uh, to take care of the inventory and the money, um … dealing with people requires a certain, uh … finesse.
Anya: I have finesse! I have finesse coming out of my bottom! I can completely lie to the health inspector. I can, you know, distract him with coy smiles, and-and bribe him with money and goods.
Xander: See there? She’ll be great.
Willow: Don’t worry, Giles. I’ll help her take care of everything. It’ll be ship-shape. Better, it’ll be shop-shape.
Olaf: You do well to flee, townspeople! I will pillage your lands and dwellings! I will burn your crops and make merry sport with your more attractive daughters, mark my words!
Xander: So, uh, think I should run and get Buffy?
Olaf: Barmaid, bring me stronger ale, and some plump, succulent babies to eat.
Xander: I’m gonna run and get Buffy. Or maybe you could fight him.
Spike: Yeah, I could do that, but I’m paralyzed with not caring very much.
Giles: I cringe to think what the place would have looked like if I’d been away for longer than three days.
Buffy: Well, maybe we would have had time to clean it up. You know, if Willow used some magicks to help.
Giles: Yes, ’cause nothing could possibly go wrong with that.
Tara: W-what’s so bad about them coming here? Aren’t they good guys? I mean, watchers: that’s just like other Giles-es, right?
Buffy: Yeah, they’re scary and horrible!
Nigel: I need to know a little bit more about the Slayer, and about the both of you. Your relationship, whatever you can tell me.
Tara: O-o-our relationship?
Willow: We’re friends.
Tara: Good friends.
Willow: Girlfriends, actually.
Tara: Yes, we’re girlfriends.
Willow: We’re in love. We’re… lovers. [puts hand on Tara’s knee] We’re lesbian, gay-type lovers.
Nigel: I meant your relationship with the Slayer.
Tara: Um, just good friends. [Willow takes her hand off Tara’s knee.]
Buffy: I’ve had a lot of people talking at me the last few days. Everyone just lining up to tell me how unimportant I am. And I’ve finally figured out why. Power. I have it. They don’t. This bothers them. Glory … came to my home today.
Giles: [alarmed] Buffy, are you-
Buffy: Just to talk. She told me I’m a bug, I’m a flea, she could squash me in a second. Only she didn’t. She came into my home, and we talked. We had what in her warped brain probably passes for a civilized conversation. Why? Because she needs something from me. Because I have power over her. You guys didn’t come all the way from England to determine whether or not I was good enough to be let back in. You came to beg me to let you back in. To give your jobs, your lives some semblance of meaning.
Buffy: You’re Watchers. Without a Slayer, you’re pretty much just watchin’ Masterpiece Theater. You can’t stop Glory. You can’t do anything with the information you have except maybe publish it in the Everyone Thinks We’re Insane-O’s Home Journal. So here’s how it’s gonna work. You’re gonna tell me everything you know. Then you’re gonna go away. You’ll contact me if and when you have any further information about Glory. The magic shop will remain open. Mr. Giles will stay here as my official Watcher, reinstated at full salary…
Giles: [coughing] Retroactive.
Buffy: Just tell me what kind of demon I’m fighting.
Quentin Travers: Well, that’s the thing, you see. Glory isn’t a demon.
Buffy: What is she?
Quentin: She’s a god.
Buffy: Are you okay? Did she hurt you?
Dawn: Why do you care?
Buffy: Because I love you, you’re my sister.
Dawn: No I’m not.
Buffy: Yes you are. [holds Dawn’s hand] It’s blood, Summers blood, it’s just like mine. It doesn’t matter where you came from, or how you got here, you are my sister. There’s no way you could annoy me so much if you weren’t….
Buffy: I have to get you back home though, Mom’s freaking out.
Dawn: Oh, is she mad about the whole fire thing?
Buffy: I think you sort of have a “Get out of jail free” card on account of big love and trauma.
Dawn: Really? Okay, good. Do you think she’d raise my allowance?
Buffy: Don’t push it.
Buffy: How was school today?Dawn: The usual, big square building filled with boredom and despair.Buffy: Just how I remember it.
Xander: The point is, I work hard for that money.
Spike: And you’re saying I didn’t?
Xander: You stole it.
Spike: And you’re making it into very hard work!
Buffy: Spike, finish the story you were telling my little sister.
Spike: Right, so I knew the little girl was in the coal bin so I ripped it open very violently… and gave her to a nice family where they were never ever mean to her and didn’t lock her in a coal bin.
Buffy: What… is this? The late-night stakeout, the bogus suspects, the flask? Is this a date?
Spike: A d-Please! A date? You are completely off your bird! I mean… do you want it to be?
Buffy: Spike, the only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious.
I Was Made to Love You
Tara: Well, I-I go online sometimes, but… everyone’s spelling is really bad. It’s… depressing.
Buffy: I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve had it with super-strong little women who aren’t me.
Giles: A fourteen-year-old is too old to be babysat, it’s not fair to her.
Buffy: What’d she make you do?
Giles: Well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance, and we ate cookie dough and talked about boys.
Buffy: [laughs] Oh, I’m sorry. I’m very, very sorry, but if it makes you feel any better, my fun-time Buffy party night involved watching a robot throw Spike through a window. So if you wanna trade… No wait, I wouldn’t give that memory up for anything.
Giles: Robot? Sounds interesting.
Buffy: We’re gonna work on it in the morning, I mean, unless you want to stay for a while, and then you and I could-
Joyce: Who wants to hear everything?
Buffy: …listen to my Mom talk about boys.
Giles: Right. Must go. See you tomorrow. Bye Joyce.
Joyce: Bye Rupert.
Joyce: [recounting her date with Brian] Gosh, I’d forgotten how much fun dating can be.
Buffy: I dunno, I was standing right here. I didn’t see Prince Charming. I didn’t even see a goodnight kiss. It all looked pretty tame to me.
Joyce: Well, I suppose by your standards it would seem pretty… Oh, dear.
Joyce: I left my bra in his car.
Joyce: I’m joking.
Buffy: Good God, that’s horrible. Don’t do that.
Joyce: I left it in the restaurant.
Buffy: No more! No more! No more!
Joyce: On the dessert cart!
Buffy: I can’t hear you!
Buffy: Maybe I could change. You know, I could, I could work harder. I could spend less time slaying, I could laugh at his jokes – I mean, men like that, right, the, the joke-laughing-at?
Xander: Or maybe you could just be Buffy, he’ll see your amazing heart, and he’ll fall in love with you.
Buffy: She’s cold.
911 Operator: The body is cold?
Buffy: No, my mom!
[Willow is searching for something to wear]Willow: Have you seen the blue one? Joyce liked the blue one.
Tara: I can check the Laundry room again if you want.
Willow: What about Purple? What does Purple mean?
Tara: I think it means…royal. Purple means royalty.
Willow: I can’t be Royal when I’m at the hospital. “Oh, look at me, I’m the queen of everything, I’m better than you!”. [Crying] I have to go see Buffy and be supportive. Why do all my clothes have stupid things on them? Why can’t I dress like a grown up? Can’t I be a grown up?
Tara: Shh, darling. [Kissing her on the head]
Willow: Tara, I can’t do this.[Tara and Willow kiss]
Tara: We can do this.
Willow: We can be there for Buffy and Dawn.
Tara: We can be strong.
Willow: Strong like an Amazon?
Tara: [Laughs] Like an Amazon.
Willow: I wish I had the blue.
Anya: Are they gonna cut the body open?
Willow: Oh my God! Would you just… s-stop talking? Just… shut your mouth! Please!
Anya: What am I doing?
Willow: How can you act like that?
Anya: Am I supposed to be changing my clothes a lot? I-is that the helpful thing to do?
Willow: The way you behave—
Anya: Nobody will tell me.
Willow: Because it’s not okay for you to be asking these things!
Anya: But I don’t understand! I don’t understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I knew her, and then she’s— there’s just a body, and I don’t understand why she just can’t get back in it and not be dead… anymore! It’s stupid! It’s mortal and stupid! And… and Xander’s crying and not talking, and… and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever, and she’ll never have eggs, or yawn, or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why! [She begins to cry.]
Willow: [long pause] We don’t know. How it works. Why.
Xander: I’ll tell you what it is is. It’s the frickin’ doctors. I mean, they just let her out, clean bill of health. Dig a hole in your skull, here’s a band aid, next. They should have checked her over, kept her in. We don’t got enough monsters in this town, the doctors gotta help them out?
Willow: Xander, it just happened.
Xander: [Nearly crying] Things don’t happen. I mean they don’t just happen. Somebody’s gotta…
[Spike meets Willow and Xander outside Buffy’s house. Spike is carrying flowers]
Spike: I’m not going in.
Xander: And you’re not leaving those. You really think you’re going to score points with Buffy this way?
Spike: This isn’t about Buffy.
Xander: Bull. We’re all hip to your doomed obsession.
Spike: They’re for Joyce.
Xander: Like you cared about her. [Spike moves closer to Xander]
Willow: Guys. Not here.
Spike: Care? Joyce was the only one of the lot of you I could stand.
Xander: And she was the only one with a daughter you wanted to shag. I’m touched.
Spike: I liked the lady. Understand, monkey boy? She was decent. She didn’t put on airs. And she was the only one who didn’t treat me like a freak.
Xander: Her mistake.
Spike: [scoffs] Think what you want. [He throws the flowers to the ground and stomps off]
Xander: Un … believable. The guy thinks he can put on a big show and con Buffy into being his sex monkey.
Willow: [looking at flowers] Xander… He didn’t leave a card.
Dawn: I know why you’re doing this. I mean,you’re practically stalking my sister.
Spike: It’s not that. I just don’t like to see Summers women taking it on the chin. And I mean what I said earlier. You tell her about this, I’ll put you in the ground as well.
Anya: Don’t you like television? I thought all children despise effort and enjoy cartoons.
Buffy: [about a ritual] So, how’s it start?
Giles: I, uh, jump out of the circle and I jump back in it and then um, I shake my gourd.
Buffy: I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the hokey pokey and turn themselves around!
Giles: [affecting annoyance] Go quest.[Giles sighs, then reluctantly jumps out of the circle, jumps back in, and shakes his gourd.]
Buffy: And that’s what it’s all about.
Tara: Everyone, before we jump all over her, people do strange things when someone they love dies. When I lost my mother, I did some pretty dumb stuff like lying to my family and staying out all night.
Anya: Buffy’s boinking Spike.[Willow and Tara are left speechless for a moment.]
Willow: Oh. Tara’s right. Grief can be powerful, and we shouldn’t judge—
Tara: What are you, kidding? She’s nuts!
Xander: No one is judging you. It’s understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sorta compact but well-muscled.
Buffy: I am not having sex with Spike! But I’m starting to think that you might be!
Giles: Quite extraordinary, really.
Buffybot: Thank you. But I really think we should be listening to the other Buffy, Guiles. [She pronounces it with a hard G, like “guy.”] She’s very smart and she’s gonna help us save Spike.
Giles: “Guiles?!” [turns to address the real Buffy] Spike didn’t even bother to program my name properly!
Buffy: [to the Buffybot] Listen, skirt girl, we’re not going to save him. We’re going to kill him. He knows who the Key is, and there’s no way he’s not telling Glory.
Buffybot: You’re right. He’s evil. But you should see him naked! I mean really!
Buffy: [impersonating the Buffybot] Why did you let that Glory hurt you?
Spike: She wanted to know who the Key was.
Buffy: Well, I can tell her, and then you…
Spike: No! You can’t ever. Glory never finds out.
Spike: Cause Buffy, the other, not-so-pleasant Buffy… Anything happened to Dawn, it’d destroy her. I couldn’t live, her bein’ in that much pain. I’d let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did.[Buffy kisses Spike]
Spike: And my robot?
Buffy: The robot is gone. The robot was gross and obscene.
Spike: It wasn’t supposed to…
Buffy: Don’t. That thing, it wasn’t even real. What you did for me and Dawn… that was real. I won’t forget it.
Xander: Whatever you choose, you’ve got my support. Just think of me as… as your… You know, I’m searching for supportive things and I’m coming up all bras. So, something slightly more manly, think of me as that.
Spike: I’m a vampire. I know something about evil. You’re not evil.
Dawn: Maybe I’m not evil. But I don’t think I can be good.
Spike: Well, I’m not good, and I’m alright.
Willow: Well, I took Psych 101. I mean, I took it from an evil government scientist who was skewered by her Frankenstein-like creation before the final, but I know what a Freudian slip is.
[Willow is upset at Tara’s implication that she isn’t committed to their relationship.]
Willow: I get it. You think you’re just a college experiment until I get over the thrill and head back to Boystown.
Spike: So you’re saying that a powerful and mightily pissed off witch was planning on going and spilling herself a few pints of God blood until you, what, explained?
Buffy: No, I told Willow it would be like suicide.
Spike: I’d do it. Right person, person I loved, I’d do it.
Spike: Come on. Step on it, gramps.
Giles: Step on what? I’ve driven tricycles with more power than this.
Dawn: Anya’s going to try to cook. Want to watch the tears and recriminations?
Glory: Any last words?
Buffy: Just one. Truck.[A truck smashes into Glory]
Dawn: Destroyer of the universe. Guess cutting school doesn’t seem so bad now, huh.
The Weight of the World
Spike: I’m willing to wager when all’s said and done, Buffy likes it rough.
Glory: I look around at this world you’re so eager to be a part of and all I see is six billion lunatics looking for the fastest ride out. Who’s not crazy? Look around, everyone’s drinking, smoking, shooting up, shooting each other, or just plain screwing their brains out ’cause they don’t want ’em anymore. I’m crazy? Honey, I’m the original one-eyed chicklet in the kingdom of the blind, ’cause at least I admit the world makes me nuts.
Young Buffy: Do you like dolls?
Willow: No, and I think we already deja’d this vu.
Young Buffy: You talk funny.
Willow: Yes, as you will tell me again when we are older and in chem class.
Xander: Why blood? Why Dawn’s blood? Why couldn’t it be like a-a lymph ritual or something?
Spike: ‘Cause it’s always got to be blood.
Xander: We’re not actually discussing dinner right now.
Spike: Blood is life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat it? It’s what keeps you going. Makes you warm. Makes you hard. Makes you other than dead. ‘Course it’s her blood.
Buffy: This is how many apocalypses for us now?
Giles: Oh, uh, six at least. Feels like a hundred.
Buffy: I’ve always beaten them. Always won.
Buffy: I sacrificed Angel to save the world. I loved him so much, but I knew what was right. I don’t have that anymore. I don’t understand. I don’t know how to live in this world, if these are the choices, if everything just gets stripped away. I don’t see the point. I just wish- I just wish my mom was here.
Buffy: Dawn, listen to me, listen. I love you. I will always love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles… tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I’m okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other.You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world-is to live in it. Be brave. Live… for me.
Buffy: Weapons are by the TV. I’ll grab the stuff upstairs.
Spike: Buffy… If you wanna just hand them over the threshold…
Buffy: Come in, Spike.
Spike: Presto. No barrier. I won’t bother with the small stuff. Couple of good axes should hold off Glory’s mates while you take on the lady herself.
Buffy: We’re not all gonna make it. You know that?
Spike: Yeah. Always knew I’d go down fightin’.
Buffy: I’m counting on you to protect her.
Spike: Till the end of the world. Even if that happens to be tonight.
Buffy: I’ll be a minute.
Spike: I know you’ll never love me. I know that I’m a monster. But you treat me like a man. And that’s…Get your stuff. I’ll be here.
BUFFY ANNE SUMMERS
SHE SAVED THE WORLD
Tara: You found the last known Urn of Osiris on eBay?
Anya: Yeah, from this desert gnome in Cairo. He drove a really hard bargain, but I finally got him to throw in a limited-edition Backstreet Boys lunch box for –
[Xander coughs and glares at Anya]
Anya: – a friend.
[Tara smiles knowingly at Xander]
Xander: Scenario: We raise Buffy from the grave. She tries to eat our brains. Do we: a) congratulate ourselves on a job well done-
Willow: Xander, this isn’t zombies.
Anya: And zombies don’t eat brains anyway, unless instructed to by their zombie master. A lot of people get that wrong.
Giles: [sadly] I just can’t help but wonder if… she would have been better off without me. Buffy.Buffybot: I don’t think that’s true. You were very helpful to her.
Giles: [laughs bitterly] Right. Yes, I was a perfect Watcher. I did what any good Watcher would do – got my Slayer killed in the line of duty.
Buffybot: Oh, that wasn’t your fault.
Giles: Of course not. That’s how all Slayer-Watcher relationships end, isn’t it? She’s gone. I did my job.Buffybot: [innocently] Then why are you still here?
Xander: Demons, ah. There’s something you don’t see every day. Unless you’re us.
Demon: Not looking too good.
Xander: I don’t see you winning any beauty pageants. Not unless the “Miss my face fell off” contest gets going.
Willow: Look, we don’t want trouble, you don’t want trouble.
Demon: Actually we do want trouble. We’re Demons. We’re pretty much all about trouble.
Dawn: This tower was built by crazy people and I don’t think it’s holding up very well.
Buffy: How long was I gone?
Spike: Hundred forty-seven days yesterday. Hundred and forty-eight today. ‘Cept today doesn’t count, does it? [Pause] How long was it where you were?
Tara: Did you get through to London?
Willow: Yeah. He’s gonna head back as soon as he can. I’m not sure, like maybe a couple days.
Tara: How did he take it?
Willow: Um, I’m not sure. I mean… glad, but kinda weirded out? Which I get, you know. Lots of “Dear Lords”. And I think I actually heard him clean his glasses.
Spike: [to Buffy] Uh … I do remember what I said. The promise. To protect her. If I had done that … even if I didn’t make it … you wouldn’t have had to jump. But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but … after that. Every night after that. I’d see it all again … do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways … Every night I’d save you.
Spike: Well, I haven’t been to a hell dimension just of late, but I do know a thing or two about torment
Buffy: [looking down] I was happy.
[Spike stares at her, confused and shocked]
Buffy: Wherever I … was … I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time … didn’t mean anything … nothing had form … but I was still me, you know? And I was warm … and I was loved … and I was finished. Complete. I don’t understand about theology or dimensions, or … any of it, really … but I think I was in heaven. And now I’m not. [near tears] I was torn out of there. Pulled out … by my friends. Everything here is … hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch … this is hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that … knowing what I’ve lost… [pause] They can never know. Never.
Buffy: OK, so you’re telling me I’m broke?
Willow: Not yet, but-
Tara: Money’s definitely becoming an issue.
Xander: As in you’re being almost out of it.
Buffy: But I haven’t spent any money! I was all… dead and frugal.
Dawn: So what do we do?
Buffy: Easy, we burn the house to the ground and collect the insurance. Plus, fire? Pretty. [The Scoobies look at Buffy in horror] You guys, I’m kidding. OK, it’s bills, it’s money, it’s pieces of paper sent by bureaucrats that we’ve never even met. It’s not like it’s the end of the world… which is too bad, you know, ’cause that, I’m really good at.
Dawn: Oh, come on, Tara. I am so old enough to do research. Do you really think I’m not mature enough?
Tara: I think you’re very mature for your age … but you’re still only fifteen.
Dawn: Right. Fifteen, as in teenager. You know, if you don’t let me look at the pictures, I’m gonna learn everything I know about demons on the street.
Tara: [sighs and hands Dawn a book] Knock yourself out.
Dawn: Thank you. See? No biggie. I can totally handle it.[Dawn opens the book to the first page]Dawn: That’s a weird place for a horn… [stares at the page, then closes the book, shaken] That’s not a horn.
Buffy: [seeing Dawn doing research] You do research now? Would you like a cappuccino and a pack of cigarettes to go with that?
M’Fashnik: Which one of you is the leader?
Warren, Jonathan, Andrew: I am.
M’Fashnik: I will kill the leader.
Warren, Jonathan, Andrew: [pointing at one another] He is.
M’Fashnik: I will kill you all.
Jonathan: Wait! Uh, no fair. It’s not our fault the Slayer was there. We said we’d pay you, and we’re gonna.
Warren: [dropping to his knees] Yes! Truly, Lord Jonathan is the wisest of us all.
Andrew: [also kneeling] Uh, yeah. Long live our noble lord and master.
Jonathan: You guys suck.
M’Fashnik: [grabs Jonathan by the throat] You can’t pay me with paper, tiny king. You pitted me against the Slayer. For that, I must kill you.
[Warren and Andrew snicker at each other]
M’Fashnik: Then I will suck dry your bones and use them to beat your subjects to death.
[Warren and Andrew are suddenly alarmed]
Tara: I don’t know about everybody else, but I would love some chicken.
Giles: Yes, as would I!
Dawn: I’ll take a drumstick.
Willow: I’m a breast girl myself. [Glances at Tara] But, then again, you knew that.
Warren: What the hell is that?
Andrew: Death Star, dude! Wicked, huh?
Jonathan: Uh, thermal exhaust port’s above the main port, numbnuts.
Andrew: For your information, I’m using the Empire’s revised design from Return of the Jedi.Jonathan: That’s a flawed design!
Buffy: I don’t really know how to say this, but it’s a little like having Mom back.
Giles: In this scenario I am your mother?
Buffy: Wanna be my shiftless absentee father?
Giles: Is there some sort of, um, rakish uncle?
Buffy: I’m just saying, thank you. So much.
All the Way
Dawn: So what are you supposed to be?
Anya: An angel.
Dawn: Oh, shouldn’t you have wings?
Anya: Um, no, this is a special kind of angel called a Charlie. We don’t have wings, we just skate around with perfect hair fighting crime.
Buffy: Were you parking? With a vamp?
Dawn: I didn’t know he was dead.
Justin: Living dead.
Dawn: Shut up.
Buffy: How did you not know?
Dawn: I just met him.
Buffy: Oh, so you were parking with a boy you just met?
Justin: We’ve seen each other at parties.
Buffy: Shut up.
Dawn: Oh, like you’ve never fallen for a vampire?
Buffy: That was different.
Dawn: It always is when it’s you.
Vampire: Uh, excuse me! Can we fight now?
Buffy: Didn’t anyone come here just to make out? [one couple raises their hands] Oh, that’s sweet. [points at couple] You run, [points at another vampire] you scream.
Once More, With Feeling
Buffy: So, Dawn’s in trouble… must be Tuesday.
Buffy:So, uh, no research? Nothing going on? Monsters or whatnot? Good! Good. Uh, so, did anybody…uh…last night, you know, did anybody, um…burst into song?
Xander: Merciful Zeus!
Willow: We thought it was just us!
Giles: Well, I sang, but I had my guitar at the hotel…
Tara: It was bizarre. We were talking, and then it was like –
Buffy: …Like you were in a musical.
Giles: …That would explain the huge backing orchestra I couldn’t see and the synchronized dancing from the room service chaps…
Willow: We did a whole duet about dish washing.
Tara: And we were arguing and, and then everything rhymed and there were harmonies and a dance with coconuts.
Tara: Do you think I’m stupid? I know you used that spell on me.
Willow: Tara, I’m sorry, I-
Tara: Don’t! Just… don’t. [shakes head.] There’s nothing you can say.
Willow: Tara, I didn’t mean to-
Tara: To what? Violate my mind like that? How could you, Willow? How could you after what Glory did to me?Willow: Violate you? I… I-I didn’t … mean anything like that, I-I, I just wanted us not to fight any more. I love you.
Tara: If you don’t wanna fight, you don’t fight. You don’t use magic to make a fight disappear.Willow: But I-I just wanted to make things better. Better for us.
Tara: But you don’t get to decide what is better for us, Will. We’re in a relationship, we are supposed to decide together.
Willow: Okay. I’m … I realize I, I did it wrong.
Tara: You did it the way you’re doing everything. When things get rough, you… you don’t even consider the options. You just … you just do a spell. It’s not good for you, Willow. And it’s not what magic is for.Willow: [apprehensive.] But I… I just wanna help people.
Tara: Maybe that’s how it started, but … you’re helping yourself now, fixing things to your liking. Including me.
Willow: Tara, no![Tara looks away.]
Tara: I don’t think this is gonna work.
Willow: Hey. It is, i-it’s working. [Tara just looks at her, then looks down.] Tara, please. I need you, baby. I need you. I don’t need magic, I-I don’t, I … let me prove it to you, okay? I, I will go a month without doing any magic. I won’t do a single spell. I swear.[Tara looks back at her.]
Tara: Go a week.
Giles: Magic! Magic’s all balderdash and chicanery. I’m afraid we don’t know a bloody thing. Except I seem to be British, don’t I? Uh, and a man. With… glasses. Well, that narrows it down considerably. We’ll get our memory back, it’ll all be right as rain.
Spike: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He’s got his crust all stiff and upper with that Nancy-boy accent. You English men are always so… bloody hell! [counting them on his fingers.] Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks. Oh god… I’m English.
Giles: Welcome to the Nancy tribe.
Spike: You don’t suppose you and I…we’re not related, are we?
Anya: There is a ruggedly handsome resemblance.
Giles: [gives her a flattered smile, then turns back to Spike] Yes, and you do inspire a particular feeling of familiarity and … disappointment. Older brother?
Spike: Father. Oh God, how I must hate you!
Giles: What did I do!?
Dawn: You want me to name you?
Buffy: Oh, that’s sweet, but I think I can name myself. I’ll name me… “Joan”.
Buffy/Joan: What? Did you just “ugh” my name?
Dawn: No, I just… I mean, Joan, it’s so blah.
Buffy/Joan: I like it. I feel like a “Joan”.
Dawn: Fine, that’s your purgative.
Dawn: Whatever, Joan.
Buffy/Joan: Whatever, Umad.
Buffy/Joan/Dawn: [unison.] Boy, you’re a pain in the… / Boy, you’re bossy!
Dawn: Do you think we’re-
Buffy: Sisters?[They smile and hug each other.]
Spike: [watching them hug] [to Giles] You never showed me affection like that… [Giles looks at him, bewildered] I’d wager.
[Buffy/Joan discovers that Randy/Spike is a Vampire]Buffy/Joan: I kill your kind.Spike/Randy: And I bite yours. So why don’t I want to bite you?
Spike/Randy: I must be a vampire with a soul. I’m a good guy on a mission of redemption. I help the helpless!
Buffy/Joan: A vampire with a soul? Oh, my God! How lame is that?
[Buffy/Joan stakes her first vampire.]Tara: What did you just do?
Buffy/Joan: I-I don’t know. But it was cool. I think I know why Joan’s the boss! I’m like a… superhero or something!
Spike: [to Warren]Translate this for me, Spock. I don’t speak loser.
[after Willow has transformed Amy from rat back to human]
Amy: Everything feels weird. I mean, it’s like … I felt like I was in that cage for weeks! [Willow looks nervous] But it can still be OK … right? I-I can still get into the swing of things, like … prom’s coming up. I-I’m so hoping Larry would ask me. We would make such a splash at… [sees Willow’s expression] Oh. Oh, God. [sighs, anxiously] He hasn’t asked someone else, has he?
Willow: Uh, Amy … three things we have to talk about. One, Larry’s gay. [Amy stares] Two, Larry’s dead. And three, high school’s … kinda over.
Amy: How long was I in the cage? [Willow is afraid to answer] How long?!
Buffy: Hey… how’ve you been?
Amy: Rat. You?
Tara: Hey. I just… B-Buffy didn’t come home last night… either, so…
Willow: Uh, hey, uh, this is Amy. Amy, Tara. Tara, Amy.
Amy: How you doin’?
Tara: Fine, I-I’d b-better g-get going. [Tara turns to go]
Willow: Amy! Amy the rat? Sorry.
Amy: No, that’s fair. I was a rat.
Xander: Anya has a theory. She thinks that Martha Stewart froze that guy.
Anya: Don’t be ridiculous. Martha Stewart isn’t a demon. She’s a witch.
Xander: Please, she-Really?
Anya: Of course. Nobody could do that much découpage without calling on the powers of darkness.
Tara: So, uh, the burger was good, you liked it?
Dawn: Are you kidding, it was like a meat party in my mouth! …Okay, now I’m just a kid and even I know that came out wrong.
Buffy: Will you quit that? The only thing that’s different is that I’m disgusted with myself. That’s the power of your charms. Last night… was the most perverse… degrading experience of my life.
Spike: Yeah. Me too.
Buffy: That might get you off, but it’s not my style.
Spike: No. It’s your calling.
Willow: It was. But I mean, if you could be, you know, plain old Willow or super Willow, who would you be? I guess you don’t actually have an option on the whole super thing.
Buffy: Will, there’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t need magic to be special.
Willow: Don’t I? I mean, Buffy, who was I? Just… some girl. Tara didn’t even know that girl.
Buffy: You are more than some girl. And Tara wants you to stop. She loves you.
Willow: We don’t know that.
Buffy: I know that. I promise you.
Willow: I just… it took me away from myself, I was… free.
Buffy: I get that. More than you- But it’s wrong. People get hurt.
Dawn: Candles! We can’t have candles?
Buffy: Dawn, it’s magic clearance, everything must go.
Dawn: But they’re just candles.
Buffy: Yeah, well, to you and me they’re just candles, but to witches they’re like… bongs.
Spike: You should go.
Buffy: I thought we were having fun.
Spike: Yeah, now. But eventually your friends are going to figure out a way to bring you back to living color. Get dressed if you can find your clothes and push off, ’cause if I can’t have all of you…[looks down]…hey, that’s cheating.
Buffy: So you three have, what? Banded together to be pains in my ass?
Warren: We’re your arch-nemesises…ses. You may have beaten us this time, Slayer, but next time… um… uh, next time…
Jonathan: Maybe not!…[The girls see the boys struggling with the arcade’s back door.]
Buffy: I give you my arch-nemesis…ses…ses.
Xander: [as Xander walks in on Spike and invisible Buffy] Spike? What are you doing?
Spike: What am I-… What does it look like I’m doing, you nit? I’m exercising, aren’t I? [starts doing “push-ups”]
Xander: Exercising? Naked? In bed?
Spike: A man shouldn’t use immortality as an excuse to let himself go. You gotta be fit for killin’…Xander: Ya-huh.
[Buffy attempts to find out the secret ingredient of Doublemeat burgers.]Buffy: Sorry, I was just curious.
Manny the Manager: Curiosity killed the cat.
Buffy: [whispers] Theory number 5: cat burgers.
Anya: Xander, he-he’s very kind, and brave, and he has the sweetest smile and the nicest body, and… he loves me. Sometimes it isn’t easy, but he does.
Halfrek: Who told you that it isn’t easy to love you?
Anya: Well… you know, sometimes I’ll do something or say something, and then he has to say stuff like, “It is incorrect for you to appreciate money so much,” or-or, “Observe: here is how a real human would behave.”
Halfrek: Oh, so he corrects you?
Buffy: We need to get that burger analyzed. We need to find out if it used to be people.
Xander: [with mouth full] What? People?
Buffy: Xander! You ate the burger?
Xander: Well, first you say it’s cat. Then you come in, hand me a burger, blah blah blah, five minutes later, “Oh, by the way, it happens to be hot, delicious human flesh”?
Buffy: I needed that burger to analyze it. Now I’m gonna have to get another one.
Xander: That’s your problem with this scenario? You getting seconds?
[Recovering magic addict Willow is testing the burger with multicolored liquids.]Xander: Good job, Will! Those aren’t, like, potions, are they?
Willow: No. No potions. It’s not magic, it’s… chemistry. You can tell by how damn slow it is.
Spike: [sighs] Give a bloke a chance for his eyes to adjust. Damn fluorescent lights. Makes me look dead.
Buffy: You know, this place is okay for a hole in the ground. You fixed it up.
Spike: Well, I ate a decorator once. Maybe something stuck.
Buffy: I’ve been thinking about doing something in my room. I think the New Kids on the Block posters are starting to date me.
Buffy: [She is beating Spike up.] I am not your girl! You don’t…have a soul! There is nothing good or clean in you. You are dead inside! You can’t feel anything real! I could never be your girl!
Willow: These things just made you think you killed her.
Xander: She was probably dead long before you stumbled across her.
Buffy: It wasn’t the demons. It was Warren. He knew Katrina. He had something to do with it, I know it.Willow: How can you be sure?
Buffy: You always hurt the one you love.
Older and Far Away
[Spike’s attempt to get intimate with Buffy is interrupted by Tara’s arrival.]Spike: I had a… muscle cramp. Buffy was, uh, helping.
Tara: A muscle cramp? In your… pants?
Spike: What? It’s a thing.
Tara: So Spike! How’s that muscle cramp?
Spike: What? Oh… uh… yeah. Better.
Tara: [smirking] Maybe you, uh, wanna put some ice on it.
Spike: What, poor dainty Richard can’t take a joke?
Buffy: We do not joke about eating people in this house!
Richard: Ah, you have some weird friends.
Xander: News from the file marked “Duh”.
Anya: It’s dangerous, and so is all of us dying.
Xander: Will, look I don’t wanna gang up on you, but Anya kinda has a point. We brought you back from it once, we’re all here. It’s one little spell. Whatever happens we can bring you back again.
Willow: No, I can’t. If I start I.. I might not be able to stop.
Anya: And whose fault is that?? You know if you hadn’t gotten so much of this in your system in the first place–
Tara: Hey! You’re gonna back off. She said no and that’s it. You’re not gonna make her do something that she doesn’t want to. And if you try, you have to go through me first. Understood?
As You Were
Willow: You know, when I was little I used to spend hours imagining what my wedding to Xander would be like. And now I look at them and just think… he-he-he!
Xander: Why did we ever agree to have your friends, who are demons, and my family, who are monsters, stay at our place?
Anya: Well, I can only do so much, Xander. Planning this marriage is like staging the invasion of Normandy.Xander: Without the laughs.
[Buffy’s former flame Riley has returned to Sunnydale with a wife.]Willow: Just so you know, I’m prepared to hate this woman any way you want.
Buffy: Thanks, but no. I don’t wanna seem all petty.
Willow: Well, that’s the beauty. You can’t, but I can. Please. Let me carry the hate for the both of us.Buffy: Go nuts.
Buffy: Tell me you love me.
Spike: I love you… you know I do.
Buffy: Tell me you want me.
Spike: [huskily] I always want you.
Riley: You want me to say I like seeing you in bed with that idiot? Or that blinding orange is your very best color? Or that that burger smell is appealing?
Buffy: You smelled the smell?
Riley: Buffy, none of that means anything, it doesn’t touch you. You’re still the first woman I ever loved and the strongest woman I’ve ever known. And, I’m not advertising this to the missus, but you’re still quite the hottie.
Buffy: You know, it goes away after many bathings.
Anya: [practicing her wedding vows] I, Anya, promise to… love you, to cherish you, to honor you, but not to obey you, of course, because that’s anachronistic and misogynistic and who do you think you are, like a sea captain or something?
D’Hoffryn: Oh. Hymen’s greetings.
D’Hoffryn: Hymen. The god of matrimony. His salutations upon you. May the love we celebrate today avoid an almost inevitable decline.
Anya: I, Anya, promise to cherish you. Yeah, no, not cherish. Um, I promise to have sex with you whenever I want, and uh, uh, pledge to be your friend, your wife, and your confidante, and your sex poodle-
Tara: Uh, “sex poodle”?
[As Xander wanders the streets in the rain, Anya recites a final version]Anya: I, Anya, want to marry you, Xander, because… I love you, and I’ll always love you. And, before I knew you, I was like a completely different person. N-not even a person, really. And I’d seen what love could do to people, and it was… hurt, and sadness. A-alone was better. And then, suddenly, there was you! And-and you knew me. You saw me. And it was this… thing. You make me feel safe and warm, so, I… get it now. I finally get love, Xander! I really do.
[Buffy is an inpatient in a psychiatric ward in an “alternate reality” LA. Hank and Joyce Summers, still married, are sitting with Buffy as they consult with her psychiatrist.]Buffy: [sobbing] Dawn…
Doctor: The sister. She was introduced last year. It didn’t make a lot of sense though, did it Buffy? She altered the fabric of her reality drastically. (meta-commenting on how the abrupt introduction of Dawn altered the entire series)
Doctor: In her mind, she’s the central figure in a fantastic world beyond imagination. She’s surrounded herself with friends, most with their own superpowers. Together they face grand, overblown conflicts against an assortment of monsters, both imaginary and rooted in actual myth.
Doctor: Buffy, you used to create these grand villains to battle against. And now what is it? Just ordinary students you went to high school with. No gods or monsters, just three pathetic little men… who like playing with toys.
Buffy: ‘Cause what’s more real? A sick girl in an institution, or some kind of supergirl, chosen to fight demons and save the world? That’s ridiculous. A girl who sleeps with the vampire she hates?!? Yeah, that makes sense.
[Spike and Xander have found the demon that poisoned Buffy.]Spike: Oh, balls! You didn’t say he was a Glarghk Guhl Kashmas’nik!
Xander: ‘Cause I can’t say Glarba…
Buffy: Then I was like… No, it wasn’t like, I was in an institution. There were, um, doctors, and nurses and other patients, they told me that I was sick… I guess crazy. And that, um, Sunnydale and all of this, none of it was real.
Xander: Oh, come on, that’s ridiculous! What, you think this isn’t real just because of all the vampires, and demons, and ex-vengeance demons, and the sister that used to be a big ball of universe-destroying energy?
Anya: You’re lesbians, so the hating of men will come in handy. Let’s talk about Xander.
Tara: Well, it’s-it’s really not so much about hating the men.
Willow: We’re more centered around the girl-on-girl action.
Anya: And men really like to watch that kind of stuff, don’t they? Men like Xander!
Anya: [frustrated that Willow and Tara won’t wish ill on Xander] What kind of lesbians are you? If you love men so much, go love men!
Buffy: I don’t think he could feel any worse.
Anya: Let’s test that theory.
Buffy: Anya, Xander’s my friend. I know what he did was wrong, and if it happened to me, I’d-
Anya: Wish his penis would explode?
Tara: Things fall apart, they fall apart so hard.
Tara: You can’t ever… put ’em back the way they were…
Willow: Are you okay?
Tara: I’m sorry, it’s just… [sigh] you know it takes time. You can’t just… have coffee and expect—
Willow: I know.
Tara: There’s just so much to work through. Trust has to be built again, on both sides… You have to learn if… if we’re even the same people we were, if you can fit in each other’s lives. It’s a long… important process, and… can we just skip it? Can… can you just be kissing me now?
Willow: Mmm, I forgot how good this could feel. Us. Together. Without the magic.
Tara: There was plenty of magic.
Crying woman: He said he loved me.
Anya: Oh, gee, then he must have meant it, ’cause hey, guys never say anything they don’t really mean, do they?
Crying woman: But we-
Anya: They say, “I love you,” and, and you think it’s true. They say, “Oh, Anya, I want to be with you for the rest of my life,” and, and you believe them, you believe they feel the same way about you, because that’s the way love’s supposed to be, right?
Crying woman: Who’s Anya?
Anya: And then you get all excited with the tingly anticipation, but wait! Not so fast! There’s the apocalypse, a-and the back from the grave, and the blah blah blah blah blah, and by the time you’re finally standing there in that beautiful expensive white dress you’ve dreamed about ever since you became human, he’s gets all heebie-jeebie and decides, “you know, I’d rather just go steady.”
Buffy: Xander, what I do with my personal life is none of your business.
Xander: [softly] It used to be.
Buffy: It just happened, okay?
Xander: Oh, like, uh, “Say, you’re evil. Get on me”?
Buffy: You fought side by side with him when I was gone. You let him take care of Dawn.
Xander: But I never forgot what he really is. God, what were you thinking?
Warren: You think you could just do that to me? You think I’d let you get away with that? [laughs some seconds] Think again. [Points a gun at Buffy and shoot five times, three of them while he runs away]
Tara: [Has been shot in her chest from behind, looking confused at Willow] Your shirt…
Andrew: Think they’ll let my aunt bring me my Discman?
Jonathan: That’s what you worried about? In-flight entertainment? We’re in jail!
Andrew: We’re in custody. We haven’t been charged yet.
Jonathan: Thank you, Dragnet. It doesn’t matter what they call it, they got us, okay? We’re going down. [lowers his voice] That guy’s been looking at me. I think he wants to make me his butt monkey.
Cave Demon: You seek me, vampire?
Spike: [observing the cave walls] You do the finger paintings? Nice work.
Cave Demon: Answer me.
Spike: Yeah… I seek you.
Cave Demon: Something about a woman. The Slayer.
Spike: [angrily] Thinks she’s better than me. Ever since I got this bleeding chip in my head, I haven’t been right. Everything’s gone to hell.
Cave Demon: And you want to return to your former self.
Spike: Yeah. [the demon laughs darkly] What?
Cave Demon: Look what she’s reduced you to.
Spike: It’s this bloody chip, not–
Cave Demon: You were a legendary dark warrior, and you let yourself be castrated! Now you have the audacity to crawl in here and demand restoration?
Spike: I’m still a warrior–
Cave Demon: You’re a pathetic excuse for a demon!
Spike: Yeah? I’ll show you who’s pathetic. Give me your best shot, Lurky.
Cave Demon: You’d never endure the trials required to grant your request.
Spike: Do your worst. But when I win, I want what I came here for. Bitch is gonna see a change…
Warren: It was an accident, you know.
Dark Willow: Oh. You mean, instead of killing my best friend you killed my girlfriend.
Warren: It wasn’t personal, that’s all.
Dark Willow: Well this is.
Dark Willow: Wanna know what a bullet feels like, Warren? A real one? It’s not like in the comics.Warren: No, no-
Dark Willow: I think you need to. Feel it.[Willow makes the bullet slowly go into his chest to torture him.]
Warren: Oh God… Stop it –
Dark Willow: It’s not going to make a neat little hole. First – it’ll obliterate your internal organs. Your lung will collapse, feels like drowning…
Warren: Please! No-
Dark Willow: When it finally hits your spine, it’ll blow your central nervous system-
Warren: Stop!! God, please![Willow sews his mouth shut by magic.]
Dark Willow: I’m talking. The pain will be unbearable, but you won’t be able to move… A bullet usually travels faster than this, of course. But the dying? It seems like it takes forever. Something, isn’t it? One tiny piece of metal destroys everything. It ripped her insides out… It took her light away. From me. From the world… And now the one person who should be here is gone – and a waste like you gets to live. A tiny piece of metal. Can you feel it now?
Dark Willow: I said – can you feel it? [Willow unravels the stitches.]
Warren: Please, God… I did wrong, I see that now. I need… jail! I need… But you – you don’t want this. You’re not a bad person. Not like me-
Buffy: [calling out in the distance] Willow!
Warren: When you get caught – you’ll lose them too. Your friends. You don’t want that. I know you’re in pain but-
Dark Willow: [Willow magically flays Warren, just as Buffy and Xander reach her.] Bored now.Xander: Oh my God.
Buffy: What did you do? Willow, what did you do?
Dark Willow: [setting Warren’s body aflame] One down. [then vanishing]
Two to Go
Anya: Warren shot Buffy. Warren shot Tara. Buffy’s alive, Tara is dead. Willow found out, and, being the most powerful wicca in the western hemisphere she decided to get the payback, with interest.
Andrew: What about Warren?
Anya: She killed him. Ripped him apart and bloodied up the forest doing it. Now she’s coming here and the two of you are next.
Andrew: Oh my god, Warren!
Jonathon: Oh my god, me!
Andrew: Think your little witch buddy’s gonna stop with us? You saw her! She’s a truck-driving magic mama! And we’ve got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa burgers! And not one of you bunch has the midi-clorians to stop her!
Xander: [after a brief silence] You’ve never had any tiny bit of sex, have you?
Anya: The annoying virgin has a point.
Dark Willow: Let me tell you something about Willow. She’s a loser. Always has been. She got picked on through junior high, high school, right up until college. With her stupid mousy ways. And now? [laughs bitterly] Willow’s a junkie. The only thing Willow was ever good for…the only thing I ever had going for me were those moments…just moments…where Tara would look at me and I was wonderful. And that will never happen again….
Dark Willow: [to Buffy] Please! This is your pitch? You hate it here as much as I do! I’m just more honest about it. You’re trying to sell me on the world? The one where you lie to your friends when you’re not trying to kill them? Where you screw a vampire just to feel and insane asylums are the comfy alternative? This world? Buffy, it’s me! I know you were happier when you were in the ground. The only time you were ever at peace in your whole life was when you were dead. Until Willow brought you back. You know, with magic?
Dark Willow: Oh Buffy. You really need every square inch of your ass kicked.
Dark Willow: The Slayer thing really isn’t about the violence. It’s about the power. And there’s no one in the world who has the power to stop me now.[Dark Willow gets hit by a powerful spell]
Giles: I’d like to test that theory.
Dark Willow: You called me a rank, arrogant amateur. Well buckle up, Rupert… ‘Cause I’ve turned pro.
Giles: Buffy, what’s happened here?
Buffy: God. I don’t even know where to start.
Giles: Well, Willow’s clearly been abusing the magicks.
Buffy: She has. She was … and I barely even noticed. Giles, everything’s just been so… [sighs.] Xander left Anya at the altar, and Anya’s a vengeance demon again… [Giles looks shocked.] Dawn’s a total klepto … money’s been so tight that I’ve been slinging burgers at the Doublemeat Palace … [looks down at the floor.] And I’ve been sleeping with Spike.[Giles stares at her… then starts laughing. He covers his mouth with his hand but can’t stop. Buffy stares at him.]
Giles: [trying to calm down.] Sorry.[He bursts out laughing again. Buffy rolls her eyes, now just looks amused. Giles keeps laughing and slowly Buffy starts to laugh too.]
Giles: Sometimes the most adult thing you can do is… ask for help when you need it.
Buffy: Now you tell me.
Dark Willow: Is this the master plan? You’re gonna stop me by telling me ya love me?
Xander: Well, I was going to walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but, eh, it seemed kinda cartoony.Xander: First day of kindergarten. You cried because you broke the yellow crayon, and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You’ve come pretty far, ending the world, not a terrific notion. But the thing is? Yeah. I love you. I loved crayon-breaky Willow and I love … scary veiny Willow. So if I’m going out, it’s here. If you wanna kill the world? Well, then start with me. I’ve earned that.
Willow: You think I won’t?
Xander: It doesn’t matter. I’ll still love you.
Willow: Shut up!
Dawn: I’m sorry to disappoint…wait, is that happy crying?
Buffy: Yes, dummy. You think I wanted the world to end?
Dawn: I don’t know. Didn’t you?
Buffy: I don’t want to protect you from the world. I want to show it to you.
[A bloodied and exhausted Spike lies on the ground in the cave]Cave Demon: You have completed the required challenges.
Spike: Bloody right I have. Now give me what I came for. Make me what I was so Buffy can get what she deserves.
Cave Demon: Very well. [places his hand on Spike’s chest] We will return…your soul.[A light flashes on Spike’s chest as he screams in pain]
Xander: How do you make cereal?
Buffy: I put the box next to the milk. I saw it on the food channel.
Xander: So, how are you doing?
Buffy: My sister’s about to go to the same school that tried to kill me for three years. I can’t change districts, I can’t afford private school, and I can’t begin to prepare for what may come out of there. So peachy with a side of keen, that would be me.
Buffy: Stay away from hyena people, or any loser athletes, or if you see anyone who’s invisible…Dawn: I think it’s pretty safe to say I’m not going to see anyone who’s invisible.
Willow: The coven, they’re the most amazing women I’ve ever met, but there’s this look they get, like I’m going to turn them all into bangers and mash. And I’m not even sure what that is.
Giles: They’re cautious. I’m sure you can understand that.
Willow: I don’t have that much power, I don’t think.
Giles: It’s all connected. You’re connected to a great power, whether you feel it or not.
Willow: I wish you’d just take it from me.
Giles: You know we can’t. This isn’t a hobby or an addiction. It’s inside you now. You’re responsible for it.
Willow: Will they always be afraid of me?
Giles: Maybe. Can you handle that?
Willow: I deserve a lot worse. I killed people, Giles.
Giles: I’ve not forgotten.
Willow: When you brought me here, I thought it was to kill me, or to lock me in a mystical dungeon for all eternity, or with the torture. Instead you go all Dumbledore on me. I’m learning about magic, Gaia, energy, and the roots system.
Giles: Do you want to be punished?
Willow: I want to be Willow.
Giles: You are. In the end, we all are who we are, no matter how much we may appear to have changed.
[Convinced he’s going mad, Spike is tormented by The First.]
Spike: I had a speech… I learned it all… Oh god, she won’t understand, she won’t understand…
The First [as Warren]: Of course she won’t understand, Sparky. I’m beyond her understanding. She’s a girl! With sugar, and spice, and everything… useless. Unless you’re baking. I’m more than that. More than flesh…
The First [as Glory]: … more than blood… I’m… you know, I honestly don’t think there’s a human word fabulous enough for me. Oh, my name will be on everyone’s lips. Assuming their lips haven’t been torn off. But not just yet. That’s all right, though. …
The First [as Adam]: … I can be patient. Everything is well within parameters. She’s exactly where I want her to be. And so are you, Number 17. You’re right where you belong.
The First [as Mayor Wilkins]: So, what’d you think? You’d get your soul back, and everything’d be jim-dandy? A soul’s slippier than a greased weasel! Why do you think I sold mine? Well, you probably thought that you’d be your own man, and I respect that. But you…
The First [as Drusilla]: …never will. You’ll always be mine. You’ll always be in the dark with me… singing our little song. You like our little songs, don’t you? You’ve always liked them. Right from the beginning. And that’s where we’re going, …
The First [as the Master]: … right back to the beginning! Not the Bang. Not the Word. The true beginning. The next few months are going to be quite a ride, and I think we’re all going to learn something about ourselves in the process. You’ll learn you’re a pathetic schmuck, if it hasn’t sunk in already. Look at you, trying to do what’s right – just like her. You still don’t get it. It’s not about right. Not about wrong.
The First [as Buffy]: It’s about power.
Buffy: I doubt we’ll even see each other. Assuming I even half understand my fuzzy job description.Dawn: It’s not fuzzy. You’re what, dealing with troubled kids?
Xander: At a spanking new Hellmouth High. Please, outside of drugs, violence, and unwanted pregnancy and the unleashing of hordes of Armageddon that comes pouring out of its schools foundation every now and then, what trouble could these kids have?
Xander: Sunnydale. Come for the food, stay for the dismemberment.
Nancy: There’s good food?
Anya: I had a quota, the guy had it coming. What’s the big?
Nancy: I think I’m gonna be sick.
Buffy: Anya, that thing you created burst through solid pavement and ate her dog.
Anya: [anguished] Oooh, puppy!
Xander: Wait — that gets your sad noise? People’s lives are in danger, and you give it up for the Yorkie?
Spike: I dreamed of killing you. I think they were dreams. So weak… did you make me weak? Thinking of you. Holding myself and spilling useless buckets of salt over your… ending. Angel, he should’ve warned me. Makes a good show of forgetting, but it’s here. In me. All the time. The spark. I wanted to give you… what you deserve. And I got it. They put the spark in me and now all it does is burn.
Buffy: Your soul?
Spike: Bit worse for lack of use.
Buffy: You got your soul back. How?
Spike: It’s what you wanted, right? It’s… it’s what you wanted, right? And-and now everybody’s in here… talking. Everything I did… everyone I… and HIM. And it. The other. The thing… beneath… beneath you. It’s here, too. Everybody. They all just tell me go. Go… to Hell.
Buffy: Why? Why would you do that?
Spike: Buffy, shame on you. Why does a man do what he musn’t? For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would nev… To be a kind of man. And she shall look on him with forgiveness… and everybody will forgive and love. And he will be loved. So everything’s okay, right? C-can we rest now? Buffy? Can we rest?
Same Time, Same Place
Dawn: Well, if she’s doing that—ducking Giles—then, she’s evil, right?
Xander: Well, I’ve avoided Giles tons of times. Just meant I was lazy, not evil.
Buffy: I hope you’re right, because defeating Lazy Willow — probably less hard.
Anya: You feel really responsible? You are really responsible!
Willow: I know I hurt you… and everyone… and I’m sorry.
Anya: Here’s something you should know about vengeance demons. We don’t groove with the sorry. We prefer, “Oh, God! Please stop hitting me with my own rib bones!”
Willow: Go on. Say whatever you want, rib bones and so forth. I deserve it.
Anya: And you won’t mind?
Anya [pouts slightly]: Well then, that’s no fun.
Spike: Red’s a bad girl.
Buffy: He’s talking about Willow.
Xander: And that means something ’cause he’s chock full of sanity.
Spike: William’s a good boy. Carries her water, carries her sin. Supposed to get easier, isn’t it. Supposed to help to help, but it doesn’t. Still so heavy.
Xander: We should’ve put a leash on him.
Buffy: Yes, let’s tie ourselves to the crazy vampire.
Buffy: It’s pretty easy. Spike follows the exciting smell of blood and we follow the fairly ripe smell of Spike.
Dawn: It’s smellementary. Also I’m sure there’s tunes like this, you know procedures we can use that don’t involve magic spells, just good solid detective work. And we can develop a data base of tooth impressions and demon skin samples and I could wear high heels more often.
Buffy: Wow, that was so close to being empowered.
Dawn: Everybody loves a slender ankle.
Xander: Figuring out how to control your magic seems a lot like hammering a nail. At the end of the hammer, you have the power, but no control. It takes, like, two strokes to hit the nail in, or you could hit your thumb.Willow: Ouch.
Xander: So you choke up. Control, but no power. It could take like ten strokes to knock the nail in. Power, control. It’s a trade off.
Willow: That’s actually not a bad analogy. Except, I’m less worried about hitting my thumb, and more worried about going all black-eyed baddy and bewitching that hammer into cracking my friends’ skulls open like coconuts.Xander: Right. Ouch.
Buffy: I need to fix this. I don’t usually get a heads up before somebody dies.
Robin: What do you mean usually?
Willow: Have you Googled her yet?
Xander: Willow! She’s 17!
Willow: It’s a search engine.
Cassie: You think I want this? You think I don’t care? Believe me, I want to… be here, do things. I want to graduate from high school, and I want to go to the stupid winter formal… I have this friend, and it would be fun to go with him. Just to dance and hear lame music to wear a silly dress and laugh and stuff… I’d like to go. There’s a lot of stuff I’d like to do. I’d love to ice skate at Rockefeller Center. And I’d love to see my cousins grow up and see how they turn out ’cause they’re really mean and I think they’re gonna be fat. I’d love to backpack across the country or, I don’t know, fall in love, but I won’t. I just never will.
Buffy: Spike, this basement is killing you. This is the Hellmouth. There is something bad down here, possibly everything bad.
Spike [laughs]: Can’t hear you. Can’t hear you.
Buffy: You have a soul? Fine. Show me.
Spike: Scream “Montresor” all you like, pet.
Buffy: Get up and get out of this basement.
Spike: I don’t have anywhere else to go.
Anya: I uh, I don’t talk to people much. I mean, I talk to them, but they don’t talk to me. Except to say that “your questions are irksome,” or “perhaps you should take your furs and your literal interpretations to the other side of the river.”
[Buffy, Xander and Willow argue about whether to kill the re-demonized Anya.]
Xander: You think we haven’t seen all this before? The part where you just cut us all out. Just step away from everything human and act like you’re the law. If you knew what I felt –
Buffy: I killed Angel!! Do you even remember that?! I would have given up everything I had to be with… I loved him more than I will ever love anything in this life! And I put a sword through his heart because I had to.
Willow: And that all worked out OK.
Buffy: Do you remember cheering me on? Both of you! Do you remember giving me Willow’s message? “Kick his ass.”
Willow [shocked]: I never said that!
Xander: This is different.
Buffy: It is always different! It’s always complicated. And at some point, someone has to draw the line and that is always going to be me! You get down on me for cutting myself off but in the end, the Slayer is always cut off. There’s no mystical guidebook, no all-knowing council. Human rules don’t apply. There’s only me. I am the law.
Xander: There has to be another way.
Buffy: Then please find it.[Xander walks out the front door. Buffy turns to Willow, silently asking her help to dispatch Anya.]
Willow: I can’t. I’m sorry. [Buffy grabs a sword and heads outside]
Xander: You don’t understand. This isn’t an intervention. Buffy’s coming to kill you.
Anya: She’s coming to try.
Xander [exasperated]: Did everybody have their Crazy Flakes today? You guys are friends! How could you talk like this?
Anya: I have a job to do. And so does Buffy. Xander, you’ve always seen what you wanted to but you knew, sooner or later, it would come to this.
D’Hoffryn: [surveying the fraternity boys Anya killed] Oh, breathtaking! It’s like somebody slaughtered an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog.
Buffy: So, do you have plans later or are you just going to go down to the docks, wait for the fleet to come in?
Dawn: [shocked] What?
Buffy: [furious] Where do I start with the bad? First, you told me you were going to the library. Second, you do not go out on a date without informing me first. Third… Anna Nicole Smith thinks you look tacky!
[Xander finds Buffy straddling R.J. in the counseling office.]
R.J.: Hey guy, it’s called knocking.
Xander: I’m sorry, it’s just checkout time was an hour ago. We were hoping to make up the bed. And also, it’s a classroom, you chowderhead! [to Buffy] Now get off the boy, Buffy, we’re going home.
Willow: Damn love spell! I have tried every anti-love spell spell I can find.
Anya: Even if you found the right one, guy would probably just do an anti-anti-love-spell spell… spell.Willow: What?
[The women are threatening one another with what they’re each going to do to win R.J.’s love]Buffy: Willow, you’re a gay woman! [Willow makes a face conveying “And?”] And he… isn’t?!
Willow: This isn’t about his physical presence! It’s about his heart.
Anya: His physical presence has a penis!
Willow: I can work around it!
[The Scoobies are burning R.J.’s enchanted jacket in Buffy’s fireplace.]Buffy: Xander, be honest. You didn’t, you know, think about slipping that jacket on a little bit?
Xander: I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it didn’t fit.
Conversations with Dead People
Jonathan: Wish I’d have stayed in Mexico.
Andrew: Ah, I didn’t like it there. Everyone spoke Mexicoan.
Jonathan: You could’ve learned it. You learned the entire Klingon dictionary in two and a half weeks.Andrew: That had much clearer transitive and intransitive rules, okay? Besides, I can’t keep having those nightmares.
Jonathan: Me neither. Desde abajo te devora.
Andrew: “It eats you, starting with your bottom.”
Jonathan: Gonna make it right.
Andrew: We’re outlaws with hearts of gold.
Holden Webster: Whoa. Did my face just change?
Buffy: Yeah. You look human now. You can do that. Go back and forth.
Holden: Oh, so I’m a vampire. [laughs] How weird is that?
Holden: No, no. Feels great. Strong. Like I’m connected to a powerful all consuming evil that’s gonna suck the world into a fiery oblivion. How about you?
Buffy: Not so much connected.
Holden: No, no. I mean, with the stake? And the cross? You do this kind of thing a lot?
Buffy: I’m The Slayer. It’s sort of a thing.
Holden: So, what? You like fight vampires professionally?
Buffy: Oh, I don’t get paid. It’s more like a Calling. Since… even in school.
Holden: I heard a lot of rumors about you back then. You were all mysterious.
Buffy: I was?
Holden: Well, you were never around. A lot of kids thought you were dating some really old guy, or that you were just heavy religious. Scott Hope said you were gay.
Buffy: What? I dated that ringworm!
Holden: He says that about every girl he breaks up with. Then, last year, big surprise… he comes out.
Holden: Oh, I have so much to learn. Come on, isn’t this insane? I mean, I was afraid to talk to you in high school, and now we’re, like, mortal enemies. Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if we became nemeses?
Buffy: Is that how you say the word?
Holden: We’re gonna have to fight to the death, aren’t we?
Buffy: It’s the time-honored custom.
Holden: Wow, reality just shows up sometimes, doesn’t it? But, you know, I’ve got the bloodlust pumping, and I kinda get it. I’m looking for a fight. And, oh, it’s nothing personal.
Buffy: Oh, no, I mean, you’ve been great….
Holden: Hey, I don’t mean to be Count Buttinsky here, but you just don’t seem as thrilled. Is it because we’re gonna fight?
Buffy: It’s because I’m gonna win.
Holden: Hello! Two years of Tae Kwon Do and vampire strength. I think somebody’s counting their chickens.Buffy: You’re not leaving this graveyard. Can’t let you….
Buffy: If you knew what I’ve done, what I’ve let myself become. My best friends don’t even know. You’d laugh if you heard some of the things I’ve done to them.
Holden: Buffy, I’m here to kill you, not to judge you.
Holden: Oh my God!
Buffy: Oh, your God what?
Holden: Oh, well, not my God. Because I defy him and all of his works. Does he exist? Is there word on that by the way?
Buffy: Nothing solid.
The First (as Cassie): [after trying to trick Willow into believing Tara wants her to kill herself] I can see it now. Candlelight, the Indigo Girls playing, picture of your dead girlfriend on your bloody lap… [mocking] Oh, baby, you left such a big hole. It hurt so bad! [serious] You don’t know hurt. This last year’s gonna seem like cake after what I put you and your friends through, and I am not a fan of easy death. Fact is, the whole good versus evil, balancing the scales thing? I’m over it. I’m done with the mortal coil. But believe me, I’m going for a big finish.
Willow: “From beneath you, it devours.”
The First (as Cassie): Oh, not “it”… ME.
Young Woman Vampire: Is that all I was to you, a one-bite stand?
Spike: Well, I certainly didn’t off her. Where are you getting this? You know I can’t.
Buffy: Right. The chip.
Spike: No, not the chip! Not the chip, dammit. You honestly think I’d go to the end of the underworld and back to get my soul and then— Buffy, I can barely live with what I did. It haunts me. All of it. If you think that I would add to the body count now, you are crazy.
Spike: [to Buffy] As daft a notion as “Soulful Spike the Killer” is, it is nothing compared to the idea that another girl could mean anything to me. This chip—they did to me. I couldn’t help it. But the soul, I got on my own—for you.
Buffy: I know.
Spike: So, yeah. I go and pass the time… with someone. But that’s all it is is time, ’cause—God, help me, Buffy—it’s still all about you.
Never Leave Me
Willow: I am Willow. I am Death. If you dare defy me, I will call down my fury, exact fresh vengeance, and make your worst fears come true! OK?
Xander: There was this one guy, he hurt her real bad. So she paid him back. She killed him, but she did it real slow. See, first she stopped his heart, and then she replaced it with darkness, and then she made him live his life like that. But he still had to go do his job, see his friends, wake up in the morning and go to bed at night, but he had to do it all… empty. Without anything to look forward to… ever.
Andrew: Sounds bad.
Xander: Well, then she tore out his intestines and rubbed it in his face and took pictures of it.Andrew: Oh, God.
Xander: But she’s downstairs now. Don’t worry about her.
The First (as Buffy): I have to admit I’m glad it worked out this way, I was going to bleed Andrew but you look a lot better with your shirt off… To be honest, I’m getting a little tired of subtle… I think it’s about time we brought some authority to our presence… Now Spike, you wanna see what a real vampire looks like?
Buffy: [to Spike] You faced the monster inside of you and you fought back. You risked everything to be a better man. And you can be. You are. You may not see it, but I do. I believe in you, Spike.
Buffy: [to Willow] He’s been feasting off human blood for weeks. He’s been having some pretty bad withdrawals. I think we need to get him some blood.
Willow: [enthusiastically & happily] Do you want me to kill Anya?
Buffy: No, we should probably try to wean him off humans. He’ll have to make due with animal blood.Willow: I’ll go get some then….
Buffy: You don’t mind?
Willow: Oh no, I have to get out of the house, Xander is installing the new windows and he keeps giving lectures on proper tool maintenance. Tool talk not my thing.
Buffy: Thank you.
Bring on the Night
Andrew: Man, this place gives me the creeps. It’s like in Wonder Woman, issue 297–299.
Xander: “Catacombs”. Yeah, with the skeletons.
Andrew, Xander: That was cool.[Pause]
Xander: [embarrassed] Move it! This way![He shoves Andrew ahead.]
Xander: Hey, junior Slayers, don’t look so worried. I mean, sure, we don’t know where Spike is or how to fight the First, or if and when the super-styled vampire is gonna attack us all. However, house — boarded up. Now all we gotta do is trap this Übervamp in the pantry, and it’s game over.
Willow: Xander, newbies. Let’s ease them into the whole “jokes in the face of death” thing.
Xander: Who’s joking? That pantry thing could work. You saying M. Night Shyamalan lied to us?
Willow: Uhm, Buffy? I just.. I-I want you to know that I’m, I’m really sorry for letting you down. You know, here, before with the magic going all “aaah” and me going all “eeeh” and everything getting all “rrrr”.
Giles: We’re back at square one.
Xander: Which square would that be, exactly?
Giles: I’m not sure. The First predates everything we’ve ever known. Or can know. It’s everywhere, it’s pure. I don’t know if we can fight it.
Buffy: You’re right. We don’t know how to fight it. We don’t know when it’ll come. [We] can’t run, can’t hide… can’t pretend it’s not the end ’cause it is. Something has always… been there to try and destroy the world. We’ve… beaten them back, but we’re not dealing with them anymore. We’re dealing with the reason they exist. Evil. The strongest. The First.
Giles: Buffy, I, um… I-I know you’re… you’re tired…
Buffy: I’m beyond tired. I’m beyond scared. [near sobbing] I’m standing on the mouth of Hell and it is going to swallow me whole. [hardens] And it’ll choke on me. We’re not ready? They’re not ready. They think we’re gonna wait for the end to come, like we always do. I’m done waiting. They want an apocalypse? Well, we’ll give ’em one. Anyone else who wants to run, do it now, ’cause we just became an army. We just declared war. From now on, we won’t just face our worst fears, we will seek them out. We will find them, and cut out their hearts, one by one, until the First shows itself for what it really is. And I’ll kill it myself. There is only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil. And that’s us. Any questions?
Willow: [to Buffy] Are you sure this thing called itself The First?
Buffy: Pretty sure. It claimed to be the original evil, the one that came before anything else.
Anya: Please, how many times have I heard that line in my demon days? “I’m so rotten, they don’t even have a word for it. I’m bad. Baddy bad bad bad. Does it make you horny?” [everyone stares at her] Or terrified. Whatever.
Xander: Potential Slayers can function without sleep. Me, I’m no good without my usual 90 minutes.Andrew: I’m with him. Keep the chatter down! Or speak up so I can hear you… I’m bored. Episode I bored….
[About Andrew.]Rona: Um… why is that guy tied to a chair?
Xander: The question you’ll soon be asking is, “Why isn’t he gagged?”
[Xander is undoing the extremely tight ropes around Andrew’s arms.]
Andrew: Ow! Watch it, that’s my joystick hand.
Xander: I’m not gonna touch that one….
Buffy: You try anything, try to run—did you ever see the movie Misery?
Andrew: Six times. But the book was scarier than the movie, ’cause instead of crushing his foot with a sledgehammer, Kathy Bates chops it off with…[Andrew trails off as it sinks in. Buffy nods.]
Andrew: I’ll be good.
Andrew: I think a guy slayer would be badass. Like—like if there was this ninja, a guy slayer would be like, “you may be silent, but this’ll shut you up.” Hiya.
Dawn: Buffy could stomp ninja ass.
[To the Potential Slayers.]Buffy: We need to stick together, okay? We’re stronger that way. We cannot afford to fall apart now.
Andrew: She’s right. Where would the Justice League have been if they hadn’t put their differences aside to stop the Imperium and his shape-shifting alien horde?
Buffy: Don’t help me.
Willow: Last time I tried using magic… the First, it turned it around on me, got inside. I felt it surging through me, every fibre of my being, pure undiluted evil. I could taste it.
Kennedy: How’s evil taste?
Willow: A little chalky.
Buffy: [on the phone at work] Well, I’m sorry Xander…next time, close the door when you take a shower at my house…of course they’re curious!
Andrew: Plucked from an ordinary life, handed a destiny…
Xander: Say Skywalker, and I smack ya….
Andrew: It’s like—well, it’s almost like this metaphor for womanhood, isn’t it? The sort of flowering that happens when a girl realizes that she’s part of a fertile heritage stretching back to Eve, and-
Xander: I’ll pay you to talk about Star Wars again.
Vi: It’s like a gay bar…but with demons.
Xander: They’ll never know how tough it is, Dawnie, to be the one who isn’t chosen. To live so near to the spotlight and never step in it. But I know. I see more than anybody realizes because nobody’s watching me. I saw you last night. I see you working here today. You’re not special. You’re extraordinary.
Dawn: Maybe that’s your power.
Dawn: Seeing, knowing.
Xander: Maybe it is… Maybe I should get a cape.
The Killer in Me
Buffy: I know. But you should go. This trip is important for the girls, to understand the source of their power, and know how to use it right.
Giles: I don’t think they appreciate the gravity of what we’re undertaking. It’s frightening and it’s difficult. Then, apparently someone told them that the vision quest consists of me driving them to the desert, doing the hokey pokey.. until a spooky rasta mama slayer arrives and speaks to them in riddles.
Kennedy: Let’s start with the easy stuff. How long have you known… that you were gay?
Willow: Wait. That’s easy? And what, you just assume that I’m gay. I mean, presume much?
Kennedy: Okay, sorry. How long have you enjoyed having sex with women?
Willow: Hey! What, you think you have some sort of special lesbo-dar or something?
Kennedy: Okay, you know there’s a better word for that, right?
[Spike lies bleeding because of his malfunctioning control chip.]Buffy: Well, we’ll fix it. We’ll hit serious research mode—
Spike: Good. Try Behavioral Modification Software Throughout the Ages.
Buffy: [sighs] Okay. You’re right. Not a book thing. [pauses] It’s a phone thing.
Spike: Who you gonna call?[Buffy looks askance at him.]
Spike: God, that phrase is never gonna be usable again, is it?
Buffy: Doubt it.
Giles: Now wait a minute—you think I’m evil… if I bring a group of girls on a camping trip and don’t touch them?
Soldier: Miss Summers! Agent Finn reported that you tried to contact him earlier today.
Buffy: I knew it! [whispers to Spike] Government conspiracy.
Soldier: He indicated you might be needing our assistance. We’re to provide you anything you need to help Ass-Face here.[Spike and Buffy stare at him.]
Soldier: Those were his exact words, ma’am.
Buffy: You think I’m losing sight of the big picture, but I’m not. When Spike had that chip, it was like having him in a muzzle. It was wrong. You can’t beat evil by doing evil. I know that.
Lissa: I can’t even figure out if I’ve got the right kind of rope.
Xander: That depends on what you need it for. Something like functional around the house, or, you know, recreational — by which I mean, for example, boating or mountain climbing — not for tying someone up for sexy, funky fun… In conclusion, rope can be useful in various ways.
Robin: Well, then, I’d, um, I’d like to take you out to dinner, if that’s all right with you. I mean, you don’t have to. I’m certainly not saying come to dinner if you enjoy having a job. [chuckles] You know, I may have to make up a document saying I didn’t just say that and have you sign it.
Buffy: Sure. I’d be happy to have dinner with you.
Robin: Great. I’ll draw up the paperwork.
Buffy: [about a date with Principal Wood] Or it could be work-related. Maybe I’m getting promoted for doing such a good job.
Willow: [laughs heartily, then sees Buffy’s look] Right, that makes sense too.
Buffy: Or maybe he knows I suspect he’s up to something, and he’s taking me out to kill me.
Willow: Well, you’ll have to dress for the ambiguity.
Buffy: You know, it’s not even that he’s acting that suspicious. It’s just – there he is. On the hell mouth. All day, every day. That’s got to be like being showered with evil. Only from underneath.
Willow: Not really a shower.
Buffy: A bidet. Like a bidet of evil….
Willow: I’m gonna wait for that sentence to come around again before I jump on.
Spike: I should move out. Leave town before it is time for me.
Buffy: No, you have to stay.
Spike: You’ve got another demon fighter now.
Buffy: That’s not why I need you here.
Spike: Is that right? Why’s that, then?
Buffy: Because I’m not ready for you not to be here.
Get It Done
Buffy: Andrew is our… actually, he’s our hostage.
Andrew: I like to think of myself more as a “guest-age”.
Willow: Oh. Hey. Hi. Well, Buffy, I see our preparations for the… school… pep-dance-cheer-drill-contest are really coming along. “Bring it on!”
Buffy: Will, it’s okay, he knows.
Willow: Oh, thank God. If I had to explain all these weapons? I had nothing.
Robin: Buffy tells me you have been, umm… oh, how shall I put it?… experimenting… [long embarrassed pause] …with the magics.
Willow: Oh! Yeah. Oh, nothing too heavy, though. Just the lighter, safer stuff. Uh, if Kennedy asks, her pointy stuff’s right there. See you inside. [to Buffy] So much cooler than Snyder!
Wood: [when Willow left] She really almost destroyed the world?
Buffy: Oh I don’t know. It’s just… The First is coming… and look at us, the army! We’ve got a bunch of fighters with nothing to hit, a wicca who won’t-a, and the brains of our operation wears oven mitts.
Xander: Well, yeah, but only because you kinda told us to. You’re our leader, Buffy, as in “follow the”.Buffy: Well, from now on, I’m your leader as in “do what I say”.
Xander: Jawohl. But let’s not try to forget, we’re also your friends.
Anya: I’m not.
Buffy: Then why are you here? Aside from getting rescued, what is that you do?
Anya: I provide much needed… sarcasm.
Xander: Um… that’d kinda be my job actually.
[The scene opens with a Masterpiece Theatre-like setting, with Andrew reading a book.]Andrew: Oh, hello there, gentle viewers.[He closes the book.]
Andrew: You caught me catching up on an old favorite. It’s wonderful to get lost in a story, isn’t it? Adventure and heroics and discovery — don’t they just take you away? Come with me now, if you will, gentle viewers. Join me on a new voyage of the mind. A little tale I like to call… Buffy, Slayer of the Vampyrs.
[A vampire knocks Buffy to the ground. Cut to Andrew in his “study.”]Andrew: Ouch! My goodness! Things look bad for the Slayer, don’t they? She didn’t see that second vampire, concealed by cover of darkness, ready—[There’s a knock at the door, which Andrew ignores.]
Andrew: … ready to attack and make her his own vampirical spawn.[Cut to the bathroom, where Andrew sits on the closed toilet, trying to continue his narration.]
Andrew: Let’s rejoin them now to see—[Suddenly, Anya barges in.]
Anya: For God’s sakes, Andrew! You’ve been in here for 30 minutes. What are you doing?
Andrew: Entertaining and educating.Anya: Why can’t you just masturbate like the rest of us?
Buffy: Are you still filming me? Stop!
Andrew: But it’s a valuable record. An important document for the ages. A Slayer in action.
Buffy: A nerd in pain. Would they like that? ’cause we could do that.
Andrew: It’s a full house. I think it’s a good time to do some introductions, don’t you, gentle viewers?…Andrew: [bright fantasy shot, clear, emotional voice] You’ve already met Buffy. She’s beautiful, with a lion’s heart and the face of an angel. She’s never afraid because she knows her side will always win. [Spike enters shot, somehow shirtless] Buffy and Spike have some kind of history. You can feel the heat between them although, technically as a vampire, he’s room-temperature. [Anya enters shot, eating grapes] Anya. A feisty waif with a fiery temper and a vulnerable heart that she hides even from herself. [pan to unnamed Potential Slayer eating cereal] This lovely girl… [uncertain – back to normal voice] I don’t remember her name.
Andrew: There something you can see going on between Principal Wood and Spike … sexual tension you could cut with a knife![Andrew is filming Spike smoking a cigarette. We see Spike through the camera]
Spike: Hey, I told you get that thing out of my face! Now get out of here before I tear your head off!Andrew: Spike, the light was behind you.
Spike: Oh sorry. [Takes a step forward] Hey, I told you to get that…
Lies My Parents Told Me
Buffy: [about the school] Situation still normal. Well, or as normal as this school ever sees.Robin: So it appears.
Buffy: Well, no fires, no one’s heads going kablooey. And the swing choir and the marching band have gone back to their normal, healthy seething resentment.
Buffy: Maybe you’re right. Maybe everything is fine.
Giles: Everything’s terrible. Total catastrophe.
Buffy: Giles, what’s wrong?
Giles: Have you seen the new library? There’s nothing but computers. There’s not a book to be seen. I – I don’t know where to begin, Buffy. I mean, who do we speak to?
Robin: Uh, that would – that would be me. Hi. I’m Robin Wood.
Giles: Oh, sorry. Rupert Giles. Sorry. Buffy tells me you’re something of a freelance demon fighter. [Robin closes door] Oh, yes, yes. I, um, I’m relieved. We’re running dangerously low on allies.
Buffy: So, we didn’t stop it, then?
Giles: Uh, no, the seers at the coven are certain the First is continuing to gather its forces. I’m afraid war is inevitable. [regarding the library] So, we should go before the school board.
Buffy: So, did you bring back any Potentials?
Giles: Um, rea— no. Actually, m-my, uh, my trip is about something else. It’s–it’s, um, regarding Spike.Buffy: Spike. What about him?
Giles: I told you my concerns when you recklessly chose to remove the chip from his head.
Robin: Wait, sorry — chip?
Giles: Well, uh, it’s a… long story.
Buffy: The military put a chip in Spike’s head so he couldn’t hurt anyone.
Giles: And that would be the abridged version.
Buffy: But he wouldn’t hurt anyone anymore because he has a soul now.
Giles: Unless the First triggers him again.
Robin: Triggers the chip?
Buffy: No, the trigger’s a post-hypnotic thing. The First put it in his head. It was… made him… He was killing again.
Robin: So, he has a trigger, a soul, and a chip?
Giles: Not anymore!
Buffy: It was killing him, Giles!
Robin: The trigger?
Buffy: No, the chip. The trigger’s not active anymore.
Robin: Because the military gave him a soul?[Giles tries to think an adequate response. Buffy glares at Robin, who gestures in surrender.]
Robin: Uh… sorry.
Kennedy: So, Spike’s trigger’s been active this entire time?
Rona: How can Buffy take this for granted? I mean, he lives in our house, we train with him.
Anya: Don’t waste your time down that road. Spike’s got some sort of “Get Out of Jail Free” card that doesn’t apply to the rest of us. I mean, he could slaughter a hundred frat boys, and… [everyone shoots a look at Anya] Forgiveness makes us human, blah-dee-blah-blah-blah.
Andrew: Willow, a call for you from L.A. Somebody named Fred. The guy sounds kind of effeminate.
Faith: Whatcha wanna do to her, vamp? Huh? Somthin’ like this? [punches Spike]
Spike: (stands) Nice punch you got there. Lemme guess. Leather pants, nice right cross, doe eyes, holier-than-thou glower…you must be Faith.
Faith: [shrugs and grins] Oh, goodie. I’m famous.
Spike: Told you were coming. Bit of a misunderstanding here. I’m—
Faith: Spike. [nods] Yeah, we’ve met before.
Spike: We have? I don’t think we— [Faith kicks Spike in the torso] Bloody hell! What’re you doing? I’m on your side.
Faith: Yeah? Maybe you haven’t heard. I’ve reformed. [punches Spike]
Spike: So have I. [punches Faith] I reformed way before you did. [Faith punches Spike] Stop… [punches Faith] hitting… [punches Faith again] me! We’re on the same side.
Faith: Please. You think I’m stupid?
Spike: Well, yeah. [grins]
Faith: You were attacking that girl. [punches Spike][Someone punches Faith in the face, knocking her down. Pan over to show it’s Buffy.]
Buffy: [innocently] Sorry, Faith. I didn’t realize that was you.
Faith: It’s all right, B. Luckily, you still punch like you used to.
Buffy: You OK?
Spike: Yeah. Terrific.
Faith: [to Buffy] You’re protecting vampires? Are you the bad slayer now? Am I the good slayer now?Buffy: He’s with me. He has a soul.
Faith: Oh, he’s like Angel?
Buffy: Sort of.
Spike: I am nothing like Angel.
Buffy: He fights on my side. Which is more than I can say for some of us.
Spike: Angel’s dull as a table lamp! And we have very different coloring.
Faith: Yeah, well if he’s so good, what’s he doing chasing down defenseless—[The young woman that Spike was chasing stands up, growls, and attacks Faith, knocking her down.]
Buffy: That’s one of the bad guys.
Faith: You should make ’em wear a sign.
Caleb: “Drink of this, for it is my blood.” You know, I always loved the story of the Last Supper. The body and blood of Christ becoming rich, red wine. I recall, as a boy, though, I couldn’t help but think: what would happen if you were at the Last Supper, and you ordered the white? A nice oaky Chardonnay or White Zin. I mean, would he make that out of his lymph or some-all? Never did bring it up. Suppose there was a reason why I never spent too long in one parish. Just looking for answers. Just looking for the Lord in the wrong damn places. Then you showed me the light.
Xander: I’ve been through more battles with Buffy than you all can ever imagine. She’s stopped everything that’s ever come up against her. [Buffy and Faith walk in] She’s laid down her life -— literally -— to protect the people around her. This girl has died two times, and she’s still standing. You’re scared? That’s smart. You got questions? You should. But you doubt her motives, you think Buffy’s all about the kill, then you take the little bus to battle… I’ve seen her heart, and this time, not literally. And I’m telling you, right now, she cares more about your lives than you will ever know. You gotta trust her. She’s earned it.
Faith: Damn. I never knew you were that cool.
Buffy: Well, you always were a little slow.
Caleb: [to Faith] Well, you’re the other one, aren’t you. You’re Cain to her Abel. No offense meant to Cain, of course.
Faith: I never was one for the good book.
Caleb: Oh, it has its moments.
Xander: I might need a parrot.
Xander: Well, to go with the eyepatch, to really complete the look. I think I still have that costume from Halloween.
Willow: Yeah, and don’t underestimate the impact of a peg leg. Maybe the hospital can hook you up with a nice one. Maybe they have a two-body-parts-for-the-price-of-one kind of deal.
Xander: Oh, you know what the best part is? No one will ever make me watch “Jaws 3-D” again.
Anya: Okay… I know you’re all upset… and I, myself, would much rather be sitting at the bedside of my one-eyed ex-fiancé than killing time here with you people in this overcrowded and, might I add, increasingly ripe-smelling basement. And I would be, too, if not for a certain awkward discussion he and I recently had right over there on that cot immediately following some exciting and unexpected breakup sex.[The Potentials on the cot awkwardly get off it. Andrew jots down “breakup sex” on the board.]
Andrew: You sure you don’t wanna stop and pick up some burgers or something, you know, road trip food
Spike: It’s not a road trip. It’s a covert operation.
Andrew: Right. Right. Gotcha… I—I bet even covert operatives eat curly fries. They’re really good.
Spike: Not as good as those onion blossom things.
Andrew: Ooh, I love those.
Spike: Yeah, me, too.
Andrew: It’s an onion… and it’s a flower. I—I don’t understand how such a thing is possible.
Spike: See, the genius of it is, you soak it in ice water for an hour so it holds its shape. Then you deep-fry it root-side up for about 5 minutes.
Spike: Yeah. Tell anyone we had this conversation, I’ll bite you.
Anya: And it’s automatically you. You really do think you’re better than we are.
Buffy: No, I—
Anya: But we don’t know. We don’t know if you’re actually better. I mean, you came into the world with certain advantages, sure. I mean, that’s the legacy.
Anya: But you didn’t earn it. You didn’t work for it. You’ve never had anybody come up to you and say you deserve these things more than anyone else. They were just handed to you. So that doesn’t make you better than us. It makes you luckier than us.
Kennedy: All I’m saying is now that Buffy’s not here, we finally have some say in how and when we lose our necks.
Robin: Maybe you don’t have to be so blunt about the “losing of the necks” bit.
Anya: Let the girl speak the truth. We’re all on death’s door, repeatedly ringing the doorbell, like maniacal Girl Scouts trying to make quota.
Buffy: We were never close. You just wanted me because I was… unattainable.
Spike: You think that’s all that was?
Buffy: Please, let’s not go over the past.
Spike: Oh, no, no! Oh, let’s hold on here! I’ve hummed along to your pity ditty. I think I should have the mic for a bit.
Buffy: Fine. The stage is yours. Cheer me up.
Spike: You’re insufferable.
Buffy: Thank you. That really helped.
Spike: I’m not tryin’ to cheer you up.
Buffy: Then what are you trying to say?
Spike: I don’t know! I’ll know when I’m done sayin’ it. Something pissed me off, and I just– “unattainable,” that’s it.
Buffy: Fine. I’m attainable. I’m a– I’m an “attain-a-thon.” May I please just go to sleep?
Spike: You listen to me. I’ve been alive a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I’ve seen things you couldn’t imagine, and done things I prefer you didn’t. Don’t exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood… which doesn’t exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I make a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred-plus years, and there’s only one thing I’ve ever been sure of. You… Hey, look at me. I’m not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it’s not because I want you, or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are. What you do. How you try. I’ve seen your kindness, and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you, and I understand, with perfect clarity, exactly what you are. You’re a hell of a woman. You’re the One, Buffy.
Buffy: I don’t want to be the One.
Spike: I don’t want to be this good-looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear.
Robin: That’s exactly what The First does. Finds your Achilles’ heel.
Faith: Nah, it just talked to me. What? It does a heel thing, too?
Robin: It’s a phrase. Your weak spot.
Faith: Oh. The school thing. I was kind of absent that decade.
Andrew: Hi, everybody. I missed you guys a lot. Sorry we took so long getting back from our mission… But we had to wait out the sun and, well, I think our mission went very well. We rode on Spike’s hog, which was very cool, and played some amusing games and, oh, we got some information. But do you know what? I really need to urinate.
End of Days
Buffy: I think it’s maybe some kind of scythe. The only thing I know for sure is that it made Caleb back off in a hurry.
Willow: [to Giles] So it’s true. Scythe matters.
Faith: There’s only supposed to be one. Maybe that’s why you and I can never get along. We’re not supposed to exist together.
Buffy: Also, you went evil and were killing people.
Faith: Good point. Also a factor.
Buffy: But you’re right. I mean, like… I guess everyone’s alone, but… being a Slayer? There’s a burden we can’t share.
Faith: And no one else can feel it… Thank God we’re hot chicks with superpowers.
Buffy: Takes the edge off.
Faith: [nods] Comforting.
Anya: And they have no purpose that unites them, so they just drift around, blundering through life until they die, which they-they know is coming, yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They’re incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment. They kill each other, which is clearly insane… and yet here’s the thing. When it’s something that really matters, they fight. I mean, they’re lame morons for fighting, but they do! They never… they never quit. So I guess I’ll keep fighting too.Andrew: That was kind of beautiful. You, you love humans.
Anya: I do not.
Andrew: Yes you do. [singing] You love them.
Ancient Woman: You pulled it out of the rock. I was one of those who put it in there.
Buffy: What is it?
Ancient Woman: [admires the scythe] A weapon. A scythe. Forged in secrecy for one like you who… I’m sorry. What’s your name?
Ancient Woman: No, really. [Buffy shrugs] We forged it in secrecy and kept it hidden from the Shadow Men, who—
Buffy: Yeah. Met those guys. Didn’t really care too much for ’em.
Ancient Woman: Ahh, yes, then you know. And they became the watchers. And the watchers watched the slayers. But we were watching them.
Buffy: Oh! So you’re like… what are you?
Ancient Woman: Guardians. Women who want to help and protect you. We forged this centuries ago, halfway around the world.
Buffy: Hence, the Luxor Casino theme.
Ancient Woman: Forged there, it was put to use right here… to kill the last pure demon that walked upon the Earth. The rest were already driven under. And then there were men here, and then there were monks. And then there was a town, and now there was you. And the scythe remained hidden.
Buffy: I don’t understand. How is it possible that we didn’t know any of this?
Guardian: We hid, too. We had to, until now. We’re the last surprise.
Guardian: One way or another, it can only mean an end is truly near.
Caleb: [grabs guardian’s head from behind and snaps her neck] I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that last part, on account of her neck snapping and all. Did she say the end is near, or here?
Buffy: [about Spike] It’s different. He’s different. He has a soul now… What?
Angel: That’s great! Everyone’s got a soul now.
Buffy: He’ll make a difference.
Angel: You know, I started it. The whole having-a-soul. Before it was… all the cool new thing.Buffy: Oh my god, are you twelve?
Angel: I’m getting the brush-off for Captain Peroxide. It doesn’t necessarily bring out the champion in me.Buffy: You’re not getting the brush off. Are you just gonna come here and go all Dawson on me every time I have a boyfriend?
Angel: Aha! [points] Boyfriend!
Willow: This goes beyond anything I’ve ever done. It’s a total loss of control, and not in a nice, wholesome, my-girlfriend-has-a-pierced-tongue kind of way.
Faith: Guy looks at me, let’s just say his priorities… shift.
Robin: Why, because you’re so hot?
Faith: Is what it is, yo.
Robin: Oh, please! I am so much prettier than you are. Oh, and, uh, for the record, our little encounter didn’t exactly change my world.
Faith: [stops grinning] You’re trippin’! That was rock ’em, sock ’em!
Robin: No, no, no, no! It was, it was nice enough, you know, and-and you’re, you’re very, um, um, enthused, and, I think with a little more experience, you—
Faith: Dude, I got mad skills!
Robin: Yeah, of course. Let’s finish up.
Faith: [takes off her belt] Oh, hell with that! We’re going again, baby. You’re gonna learn a little respect here, pal.
Robin: Faith, [laughs] make me a deal, all right? We live through this, you give me the chance to surprise you.
Faith: What would be the surprise?
Robin: You… do know the meaning of the word, right?
Faith: Fine. Deal.
Robin: Good enough. [goes back to work]
Faith: No way you’re prettier than me.
Robin: Little bit, yeah.
Buffy: So here’s the part where you make a choice. What if you could have that power, now? In every generation, one Slayer is born, because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men. [points to Willow] This woman… is more powerful than all of them combined. [Willow whimpers] So I say we change the rule. I say my power… should be our power. Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of the Scythe to change our destiny. From now on, every girl in the world who might be a Slayer, will be a Slayer. Every girl who could have the power, will have the power, can stand up, will stand up. Slayers… every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?
Vi: These guys are dust.
Buffy: So, what do you guys wanna do tomorrow?
Willow: Nothing strenuous.
Xander: Well, mini-golf is always the first thing that comes to mind.
Giles: I think we can do better than that.
Buffy: I was thinking about shopping. As per usual.
Willow: Oh. There’s an Arden B. in the new mall.
Xander: Oh, good. I could use a few items.
Giles: Well, now aren’t we gonna discuss this? Save the world or go to the mall?
Buffy: I’m having a wicked shoe craving.
Xander: Aren’t you on the patch?
Willow: Those never work.
Giles: And here I am, invisible to the eye, not having any vote.
Xander: See, I need a new look. It’s this whole eye patch thing.
Buffy: Oh, you could go with full black secret agent look.
Willow: Or the puffy shirt, pirate slash…
Giles: The Earth is definitely doomed.
Buffy: I love you.
Spike: No you don’t. But thanks for sayin’ it.
Faith: Looks like the Hellmouth is officially closed for business.
Giles: There’s another one in Cleveland. [everyone stares] Not to spoil the moment.
Xander: We saved the world.
Willow: We changed the world. I can feel them, Buffy. All over. Slayers are awakening everywhere.Dawn: We’ll have to find them.
Willow: We will.
Giles: Yes, because the mall was actually in Sunnydale, so there’s no hope of going there tomorrow.Dawn: We destroyed the mall? I fought on the wrong side.
Xander: All those shops, gone. The Gap, Starbucks, Toys ‘R’ Us… Who will remember all those landmarks unless we tell the world of them?
Giles: We have a lot of work ahead of us.
Faith: Can I push him in?
Willow: You’ve got my vote.
Faith: I just want to sleep, yo, for like a week!
Dawn: I guess we all could. If we wanted to.
Willow: Yeah! The First is scrunched, so, what do you think we should do, Buffy?
Faith: Yeah, you’re not the one and only Chosen anymore. Just gotta live like a person. How’s that feel?Dawn: Yeah, Buffy. What are we going to do now?
[Buffy begins to flash a happy smile]